This Week in the Mercury

Futurebirds Dial Down Their Dreamy Sound


Futurebirds Dial Down Their Dreamy Sound

Athens Psych-Country Band Brings a New Hand into the Mix

Oregon's at the Forefront of a Global Cider Revolution


Oregon's at the Forefront of a Global Cider Revolution

Portland Hosts CiderCon—and Embraces a Growing Cider Culture

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Feb 27, 2013 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Ice on the fringe, it's so damn frosty, people be like, "Damn, that's a cold ass honky." LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Sequestration is on its way, and when it's here, expect a level of austerity that will not only murder thousands of jobs, but not do much to lessen the deficit.

The Pope delivers his final speech to his sheep noting that, at times, "the Lord seemed to sleep." (Which is good news for priests who enjoy sneaking into the rooms of choirboys.)

Democratic Sen. Dianne Feinstein pitches her gun control legislation to the Senate Judiciary Committee, that would ban ammunition magazines that could hold more than 10 rounds. Republican Sen. Charles Grassley countered that would take weapons out of the hands of cowards who would be scared shitless without them. (May I propose giving them Xanax and some therapy instead?)

A transgendered first grader at a Colorado school is fighting officials to be able to use the girls' restroom. Warning to all school officials: Fight the internet and you will lose.

Yahoo puts the kibosh on working from home, and sets off a firestorm of debate on the subject of telecommuting.

A Romanian gangster is suspected of using lions and bears to threaten employees and rivals. Yahoo is seriously considering this idea as well.

Despite the cries of whining Republicans, Chuck Hagel is our new Secretary of Defense.

A conservative group known as "Club for Growth" is targeting moderate Republicans who aren't grotesque enough for their standards.

More than 26,000 people—you read that right—are currently missing in Mexico, apparent victims of the war against drug cartels.

Anheuser-Busch is accused of watering down their beers—I mean, more than usual.

Miss Delaware Teen USA is resigning over an internet sex video, that she swears is not her... soooooo why resign exactly?

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: A mostly dry mild day, with a chance of showers tonight and into the morning.

And finally, here's that replacement for Gangnam Style you've been requesting: Meet South Korea's MFBTY (My Fans Better Than Yours) with their AH-MAY-ZING new barn burner "Sweet Dream." As Raven so correctly noted, "THAT'S MY JAM!!"


Comments are closed.

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy