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Friday, March 8, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Fri, Mar 8, 2013 at 9:29 AM

North Korea is SO ANGRY. After the United Nations voted to further squeeze off the insular nation's supply of luxury goods, Pyongyang reissued bellicose threats about nuking America and South Korea, announced an end to the armistice that paused the Korean War 60 years ago this year, and then shut off the Batphone that linked Kim Jong Un's people directly with South Korea. S'okay, though! Seoul warned that if anything hinky actually happens, North Korea will be "erased from the earth."

Bill Clinton is very sorry he somehow thought an anti-marriage-equality law called the "Defense of Marriage Act" wouldn't be discriminatory. So he wrote an essay urging its repeal.

Public-sector austerity continues to drag down overall job growth. All the same, thanks to the private sector, the unemployment rate has dropped to 7.7 percent—another four-year low.

The CIA, speak of the devil, has a new boss, despite valiant Senate attempts to filibuster: John "Li'l' Torquemada" Brennan.

French and British soldiers are ferrying Syrian rebels (the US-approved "good" kind, the ones who aren't nakedly Islamist) over to Jordan and molding them into killing machines.

Always lock the door to your lion cage.

The Postal Service wants to sell something like 200 of its post office buildings, and preservationists are freaking out because some of those buildings are exceedingly attractive and historic and might wind up replaced with cheap strip malls in the podunk towns they've been outclassing for decades.

Airline crews are begging the TSA not to humor Cub Scouts and handymen and sommeliers by allowing small blades back onto commercial jets. Because boxcutters.

Clackamas County's bullheadedness over the Milwaukie light rail it already promised to help pay for has gotten the county dragged into court by TriMet a bit sooner than anyone really expected.

A Gresham school district fired a veteran principal, the principal's attorney says, just because the principal, after divorcing his wife a few years ago, has come out as gay.

Hugo Chavez's funeral is part of a secret CIA ruse meant to attract all of America's enemies to a single room that's actually a rocket ship on auto pilot toward the sun.

DON'T THEY ALL KNOW EACH OTHER ALREADY? AND WHY DO THEY HAVE TO BREAK THINGS?

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