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Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Five Stupid (But Genuine) Questions For Gun Lovers

Posted by Alex Falcone on Tue, Apr 9, 2013 at 9:59 AM

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I heard a news program last week interviewing people as they left a gun store and they had a lot of really stupid things to say. I'm sure if you asked people leaving the KEEN store their opinion on guns, it would be equally stupid on the other side, but since I live a More KEENs Than Guns kind of life, I've never actually heard the pro-gun position as told by a reasonable person.

You're probably living an MKTG life too since you're reading the Merc (on the tubes, no less) so you probably won't know the answers to these questions either. But could you do me a favor? Next time you meet somebody who is passionately anti-gun control but not pro-crazy, can you ask them these questions and report back? I'm really curious.

1] Why is this your issue? How is this the thing that gets you excited about the political process? The government is prosecuting people for Google searches, but you're only concerned about your liberty when you can't buy war machines? Do you get as passionate about violations of the 1st amendment as the 2nd? How about that pesky 15th?

2] Why do you think you're going to survive the nuclear apocalypse? In the unlikely event that civilized society crumbles because of a series of nuclear bombs killing 99.9% of Americans, why do you assume you're going come out unscathed and ready to start having pistol duels with other survivors? Are you nuke proof? Why are you not sharing your cockroach-like skills with the rest of the country?

3] Has anybody ever successfully defended their family with a gun? Like ever? No, I don't mean defended himself from his girlfriend in the bathroom or defended his garage from his girlfriend's unarmed husband or defended his neighborhood when it was under siege from a kid with some Skittles or... or... or... I mean, has anybody ever had a violent attacker enter their home and because of some quick draw action and precise shooting prevented his family from being harmed? It's got to have happened at least once, right?

4] When you talk about how you're worried about slippery slopes, do you understand the metaphor you're using? The thing with a slippery slope is if you start down it, it's hard to stop yourself. But laws don't work that way. It's not like if we passed a magazine limit, other gun laws would just start passing themselves. I heard a senator say "If we pass this now, what's going to happen next time?" I don't know. Maybe you'll vote "no" on that one? Doesn't sound very slippery to me. Sounds like a slope with grippy stairs and a handrail so people can decide how far to climb down it.

5] Is it weird to always be the most passionate about something after it's been used to murder children? Guns are only debated in the wake of tragedy which puts pro-gunners in the awkward position of saying "Let's not blame these murder weapons." That's gotta be weird, right? It seems weird.


I mostly think of guns like trampolines: they're lots of fun and if you have one around your house your kid might kill himself with it. I think trampolines should be legal. But if somebody made it their life's work to keep governments from limiting trampoline rights or secretly passed laws making it illegal to study the safety of trampolines, they'd seem kinda creepy.

And yet, I'm very persuadable. If you could answer my questions or pass them off to somebody who could, I'd appreciate it a great deal.

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