This Week in the Mercury


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Tue, May 7, 2013 at 9:29 AM

Three Cleveland women who each vanished a decade ago and were widely presumed dead—all in apparently unrelated cases—emerged yesterday from an unassuming house near downtown where a bus driver (and maybe his two brothers) stands accused of holding them captive.

A hideous charlatan "psychic" once told the mother of one of the captives—on Montel Williams' esteemed television program, no less—that her daughter was dead.

A neighbor innocently "eatin' McDonald's," Charles Ramsey, helped bust them out after hearing a scream for help. "You got to have some big testicles to pull this off, bro, because we see this dude every day. I mean every day." Here's the 911 call, which is amazing. And a nickel for whoever finds the first auto-tuned version of the following:

The Steel Bridge, no surprise, is maybe probably pretty much the MAX system's weakest link. Yesterday's TriMet power failure disaster has been blamed on the failure of a hard-to-find surge protector nestled somewhere in the bridge's increasingly fragile tangle of sensors and wires.

Tax evasion charges will land comebacking hiphop legend Lauryn Hill in prison for three months.

Syrian rebels say Israel's weekend airstrikes have further exposed the cracks in Bashar Assad's dying regime. But the wild-card nature of the attacks is complicating American efforts to negotiate with would-be partners like Russia.

Rejoice over the end of Barack Obama's presidency! Clearly!

Conflicting stories emerge in the horrifying limousine fire on a Bay Area bridge that killed five women celebrating a recent wedding, including the new bride.

Chris Christie, New Jersey's big-boned governor, says he underwent secret stomach reduction surgery because of his kidsand not because he gets mocked by late-night talk show hosts and also maybe secretly wants to run for president in 2016.

Words like "give" and "bark" and "spit" are so so widespread and so old—15,000 years old, researchers now believe—that hunter-gatherers living well before the dawn of civilization might understand them in any one of a hundred modern languages.

Adobe has decided that the only way to legally use Photoshop, essentially, is to rent it.

"AWWW." I'LL SAY IT AGAIN. "AWWWWWWWWW."

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