This Week in the Mercury


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: Hot Air

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, May 7, 2013 at 10:29 AM

Realizing you are gay and male, so perhaps you've had a situation that comes close enough to this one to give me some advice...

What is a girl to do when she is switching positions from doggie to missionary and she lets out not one, no, not one but multiple queefs? I mean, what is a girl to do, other than the obvious which is die of embarrassment? Initially I laughed it off, but when those damn quifs kept coming, I wanted the ground to open up real wide and swallow me whole. Needless to say, my partner's erection came to an end PDQ and that was that.

I am fortunate that said partner (we've been together 20 months, living together 15 months) is kind and laid back (thankfully) and so he cuddled me for a good hour after that. It took me about half an hour before I could look him in the eye again. When I muttered "sorry" into his chest he said, "No, I'm sorry," so he tried to make it as easy for me as possible. We have a great, great, great relationship. Everything works so well, the relationship actually gets better and grows the longer we are together... but I still didn't know what to say to him after this. I wanted to say "I didn't fart!" or "That was a queef!" but I couldn't manage the words. Besides, would such explanations make any difference anyway? And from the limited reading I've done on this mortifying subject I understand that this isn't uncommon when switching from doggie to another position.
Sadly I now want to avoid doggie for the foreseeable future, although I LOVE—no let me correct myself, I LOVED that position. I'm afraid I won't want to get on all fours ever again. Help!

Quite Unnerving Experience Elicits Fears

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

How long have you been sexually active, QUEEF? How about your boyfriend?

Because human bodies sometimes make noises—gay bodies, straight bodies, bi bodies. (Asexual bodies make noises too... but no one is there to hear them.) And our bodies sometimes make odd noises at inopportune moments. Like during sex. And when that happens, QUEEF, it's the noisemaker's job to say, "Oh, gosh, I'm sorry!," identify the source (if there's any confusion about the source), and then laugh it the fuck off. (Note: a sheepish, polite, and slightly mortified laugh is called for, not an isn't-that-fucking-hilarious guffaw.) And it's the noisehearer's responsibility to say, "Oh, hey, no big deal—it happens." Then after a break—a short cuddle break to recover from a little toot, a long break for ice cream if eardrums were shattered—you go right back to doing whatever it was you were doing.

And about those queefs...

You're not solely responsible for that epic release of "vaginal flatulence," which is its proper name. (If you should find yourself discussing pussy farts with a member of the Royal Family, QUEEF, remember to call it "vaginal flatulence." Protocol!) Fun fact: vaginas aren't naturally flatulent. There's no gas in there that needs releasing. (The occasional human, yes. Gas, no.) So the air that was in your vagina? The air that absolutely, positively had to get out? Where did it come from? Your boyfriend pumped it into you. He was fucking you, QUEEF, and he was enjoying it. (You too, I hope.) And when you shifted positions—for his pleasure (yours too, I hope)—your vag flatted. It's not a big deal. It just one of those things that sometimes happens when boys and girls have vaginal intercourse. If you want to avoid queefing in the future, and if your boyfriend never wants to hear your vagina make a noise like that ever again, then you'll have to live together as siblings (non-incestuous siblings) for the rest of your lives. No more PIV sex. Ever. No more doggie, no more missionary, no more reverse cowgirl, no more wheelbarrow, no more "Michelle Malkin," no more nothin'.

I can't imagine you would want that. I can't imagine your boyfriend would want that. So here's what you say next time it happens—and yes, QUEEF, there will be a next time: "Oh, gosh, I'm sorry! And for the record, honey, that was a queef, not a fart. You really pumped some air into me! But kind of a mood killer, huh? Ha ha! Let's take a break. How about some ice cream?"

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