GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I'm the trouble starter, fuckin' instigator. I'm the fear addicted, danger illustrated. I'm a firestarter, terrific firestarter. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

It's been a grisly, horrific month in Syria in which government forces have murdered entire families and forced survivors to proclaim President Bashar al-Assad as "God."

For the second time in a month, a U.S. military member working in a sexual assault prevention program is accused of... you guessed it! SEXUALLY ASSAULTING SOMEONE.

The Justice Department is opening up an investigation of the IRS for their role in holding up tax exempt status for certain conservative groups, which of course is wrong—even if it was the Tea Party. (Man, that's tough to say. BUT STILL WRONG!)

House Speaker John Boehner is demanding that the guilty IRS members accused of malfeasance be sent to prison. Oh, and he may cry about it, too.

Religious bamboozler Billy Graham's son screams, "The IRS targeted me, too! (Though I have no real proof of what I'm screaming about!)"

Republicans are voting for THE 37TH TIME to repeal the health care law. Unfortunately wasting everyone's time instead of doing their job to get the economy back in shape isn't a crime.

The adoptive parents of an eight-year-old who was born with both male and female organs are suing the state of South Carolina for operating on and assigning the child a gender—and whoopsy! They guessed wrong.

Ariel Castro—the man accused of kidnapping and raping those three Cleveland women—is pleading not guilty. Good luck with that!

Detroit Mayor David Bing—after valiantly fighting to stop corruption, blight, and crime in his town—says "Fuck it. I quit."

Locally, the "TriMet Barber"—who used to go around snipping the hair of female passengers—should now be called the "TriMet Ejaculator" for reasons that might be obvious. PROTIP: Ladies on the bus? Wear a hat.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Cloudy with on-and-off sprinkles and temps in the '60s through Saturday.

And finally, here's your daily reminder to read our must-read feature about FLUORIDE, vote "yes" for FLUORIDE, and know in your heart you've made "An Excellent Choice, Old Chap!"