This Week in the Mercury


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, May 22, 2013 at 9:31 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Girl, I'm feelin what you feelin'. No more hopin' and wishin'. I'm 'bout to take my key and stick it in the ignition. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

As predicted, in last night's election fluoride went down in poisonous flames. (Did you know that fluoride is so poisonous it can actually kill fire? A DOCTOR IN EUROPE TOLD ME THAT.) The latest tally was 60 percent anti to 40 percent pro. I'll try not to be too sour grapes-y about it... but can you guys keep on spamming our comments section with unsubstantiated anti-fluoride links? You know... just for old times sake? (Read our election night party updates here.)

And right on cue, Portland is being made fun of by out-of-towners for their anti-fluoride vote. Here's my fave line from the story:

How can you tell someone is from Portland?

The backyard chickens, the beard, the inability to pump gasoline. And perhaps we should add a lack of a full set of teeth.

Hey, they said it, I didn't! (Someone else also said this.)

A Florida man (not that Florida Man) was killed by feds and cops last night after he attacked them with a knife while being questioned about his potential role in the Boston bombing.

In a video, Anthony Weiner keeps his shirt on and announces his bid to run for mayor of NYC. Impossible? Hey, not with the anti-fluoride people behind him! (By the way, anti-fluorides—I expect to see your plans for providing dental health to underprivileged kids on my desk by tomorrow morning. Sorry, too sour grapes-y.)

To put things in proper perspective, here are some more terrible, terrifying stories from the aftermath of the Oklahoma monster tornado.

The IRS official in charge of the division which targeted conservative groups stands before a congressional committee aaaaaand... pleads the fifth. I should do that more often.

In China, an extract from the gall bladders of captive bears is said to have medicinal benefits. So can we put THAT in our water?

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Chilly and wet for the next three days with a drying trend over the weekend!

And finally, let's face it. While you may find my sour grapes annoying... I think we can all agree that the Sour Grapes from the Banana Splits Show are the greatest thing EVARRRRR!

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