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Friday, May 24, 2013

I Don't Think Superman Actually Eats Like This

Posted by Bobby Roberts on Fri, May 24, 2013 at 11:58 AM

Superburger.jpg

As a child who grew up in the '80s, some of my fondest memories are of marketing. If that sounds sad and kind of gross, then you're starting to understand what it was like to grow up in the '80s as opposed to just fetishizing it from the safety of the 21st century.

The '80s saw tie-in merchandising really take off, thanks to Star Wars, of course. When a lot of people remember their favorite movies or tv shows, it's not so much the movie they remember, but the marketing blitz, the toys, the toy commercials, and the collectible glasses at your fast-food joint of choice.

There's always been a weird connection between food that is fucking terrible for you and superheroes. DC made sure to tell you that purchasing a couple Hostess fruit pies along with the latest issue of Superman was a great idea, even though Hostess Fruit Pies were essentially fried dough and strawberry flavored horse-hooves, refried and fried again before being coated in a thin, hardened layer of sugar and horse-hooves. They were roughly 12,000 calories each and why would you not eat one if Superman said you should pound one down your cake-hole?

That tradition has survived into the 21st century thanks to Star Wars

Thanks, Star Wars.
  • Thanks, Star Wars.

And now, the final piece of Warner Bros. Man of Steel marketing blitz has locked into place: The Carl's Jr. Super Bacon Burger.

carls-jr-super-bacon-cheeseburger-03.JPG

The bun has been removed to reveal to you the six super-strips of super-bacon that each Super Bacon Burger comes with; just like the kind of burger Ma Kent would feed young Clark! Do you have the metabolism of an alien life form whose cells are super-energized by the rays of our yellow sun? Then you can probably pack one of these beauties down your ruddy gullet like so much paper-wrapped beefshot loaded into an esophageal blunderbuss. Wanna know what it actually tastes like? Read this review (spoilers: It tastes like salt and artificial cow flavoring, like every fast-food burger on earth.)

Wendy's didn't get the license to make and sell Superman-licensed Bacon Receptacles, but that's not stopping them from drifting in the wake of this fast-food success. Don't be sad, super-fan, if you go to a Carl's Jr. and they're all sold out of the Super Bacon Burger. Just slide on down to the Wendy's nearby, and order yourself up one of these:

Pretzel_Bacon.jpg

The Wendy's Pretzel Bacon Burger is, according to BurgerBusiness.com (add it to your rss feed, you won't be disappointed), one of Wendy's highest testing foods of all time. Will it take the country by storm the way Baconator held the country in it's salty sway, or how the Double Down made KFC relevant for about 15 minutes, or the way McDonald's Los Beefos Beef Balls are hitting Germany in the chin with a raw sensuality not seen since Hasselhoff danced on the Berlin Wall? It's tough to say.

Wanna find out for yourself? Both sandwiches should be hitting fine Carl's Jr. and Wendy's locations near you within the next 2-3 months.

I leave you with this gratuitous shot of Henry Cavill's abs.

Cavill.jpg

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