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Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, May 29, 2013 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Now, if you've had your fill, get the check, pay the bill. You can do it. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Good drone news? According to Pakistani officials, an American drone has killed a top leader of the Pakistani Taliban, who was allegedly responsible for encouraging attacks both in Pakistan and America.

Today in PANIC!!: A new virus that has caused 27 deaths and 49 infections is being labeled by the World Health Organization as "a threat to the entire world." PANIC!!!

Rep. Michelle Bachmann—failed Republican presidential candidate—says she will NOT pursue another term in Congress. :( DAMMIT! Why can't I make that frowny face emoticon any bigger??

Nice work Afghan security forces, who rescued seven Red Cross workers from gun-wielding insurgents. Your check is in the mail!

A former Michigan star quarterback is mysteriously found dead in the woods, after leaving a very mysterious voice mail. OKAY, BLOGTOWN CRIME CRACKERS! That's your cue.

Today in France—their very first same-sex wedding! (I call dibs on giving them the salt 'n' pepper shaker set.)

Disneyland experienced a moment of panic when a trashcan exploded—though it turned out to be somewhat of a false alarm. Look, I don't want to point any fingers, but CRUELLA DeVILLE.

Speaking of unwarranted freakouts, investors caused the Dow to drop 170 points today for reasons that are too boring to repeat here. In short, THE YOUZSH.

A half-nude New Mexico man having sex with a naked woman while driving crashes, tries to flee the scene (without his partner), and then tries to hide behind a cactus. So your day is shaping up pretty good, comparatively.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: You know, THE YOUZSH. But! A sunnier, warming trend begins on Friday!

And finally, Gillette spends some of their hard-earned razor blade money on hiring Bill Nye (the Science Guy!) to explain how Superman shaves his beard. Guys, a cure for cancer can wait. This is important stuff! (Oh, and pretty good explanation, Science Guy!)

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