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As Police Crack Down on Campsites, the Mayor Wants to Double the Cleanup Budget


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Friday, May 31, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Fri, May 31, 2013 at 9:29 AM

The rogue asteroid passing disturbingly close to the Planet Earth today (actually not that close, but still disturbing) is large enough to have collected its own orbiting satellite, according to NASA sensors.

Barack Obama's education reform plan—Common Core, it's called—is working like a little blue pill (AKA VIAGRA!) for the flaccid, spent Tea Party.

The discovery of GMO wheat in Oregon has trading partners Japan and South Korea grabbing for the garlic and crucifixes. Europe is also advising caution.

The EU economy remains in freefall—and record unemployment (one in four young person types is out of work) has fueled increasing bouts of anti-austerity protesting.

"Yes, we are Big Marijuana." Our kin in Seattle detail majorly ambitious and expensive plans to build a $100 million pot retail empire in the Shangri-La across the Columbia formerly known as Washington State.

A Michigan woman who joined up with Syria's rebels has died. The recent convert to Islam was 33 and leaves behind an 18-year-old daughter.

Murder charges have been filed against an off-duty sheriff's deputy accused of killing a PBS Newshour driver. The deputy said the man pulled a knife. But prosecutors say the only knife recovered was folded in the dead man's pocket.

Video proves there was no way an Arizona mom jailed in Mexico on drug charges could have possibly boarded a bus holding 12 goddamned pounds of pot.

A plane crashed into an apartment complex in Virginia. It was small. So no one died.

Justin Bieber's abandoned monkey will get to live in a wildlife park, where it will be properly cared for, and, again, not with Justin Bieber, who would have continued treating it like a toy and not a wild animal deserving of dignity and respect.

Someone else can live in the house where Lee Harvey Oswald used to live. Yay!

A back-and-forth Mars trip, which is still technically impossible, would probably expose you, all at once, to two-thirds of the radiation your body can safely absorb over a lifetime. Actually being on Mars would dose you even further. Fuck it. Eat your potassium pills and put your helmet on!

DO NOT BE AMUSED. BE EDIFIED.

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