This Week in the Mercury

Creeping Terror

Film

Creeping Terror

It Follows Is Coming for You. It Won't Stop.


A City Aches

Music

A City Aches

Gabriel Kahane's Portrait of Los Angeles



Thursday, June 6, 2013

The Worst Four Sodas at the New Rocket Fizz Downtown

Posted by Alex Falcone on Thu, Jun 6, 2013 at 9:44 AM

If you want to get my attention, opening a candy/soda shop down the street from my apartment is a good way to do it. That's exactly what Rocket Fizz, the latest franchise of the California chain, just did at 6th and Alder. It's a thing to behold.

They've got a massive selection organized on the "fuck it" system (the first and less prestigious invention of Dewey behind his eponymous Decimal system).

fuck-it.jpg

I decided the best way to get to know my new neighbor was by trying a few of the most interestingly flavored sodas manufactured by Rocket Fizz themselves. I considered the Snooki soda, but assumed it would be meatball flavor. I also considered the highly offensive "Cream My People" and "Seal Ya Later" but didn't want to reward that kind of packaging.

seal-ya-later.jpg

In the end, I opted for four flavors:

all-four.jpg

coffee.jpg
Coffee Soda
I started here because it seemed the closest to a thing somebody might actually want. And I was right. It tastes nothing like coffee but was thoroughly delicious. More like a creamy root beer float.
A good start. Maybe everything will be this good! (Spoiler alert: no)

bacon.jpg
Bacon Soda
It's been 10 years I've had bacon, but non-vegetarians like to remind me that it's delicious. So maybe the "artificial bacon" flavor in my soda will be an awesome experience I can enjoy while still maintaining my moral superiority at the breakfast table. Also it sounds like "baking soda" which is fun.
Bacon soda... is not fun. It's got a wafting chemical smell, like chlorine or something, and tastes much the same. It has a slight aftertaste of meatiness, and a duringtaste of pure awfulness.
It tasted less like a soda with bacon flavor and more like drinking the water out of a hot tub after a bunch of pigs just finished relaxing in it.
Do not buy or consume this product if you are pregnant, may become pregnant, or was the product of a human pregnancy.

buffalo.jpg
Buffalo Wing Soda
This seemed like the most outlandish flavor choice, so maybe it'll be the best?
Actually, Buffalo Wing Soda tastes okay. I didn't detect the tiniest hint of buffalo sauce and the orange color tricked my brain into thinking it tasted like orange cream.
I wouldn't really recommend this, unless you wanted a vague flavor and a funny label. If not, just buy an orange cream soda.

ranch.jpg
Ranch Dressing Soda
And the big finish... ranch dressing.
Just popping off the cap revealed a nauseating smell that, an hour later, hasn't entirely left my apartment.
There was a vague sense that I was drinking something ranch flavored, but it had such a strong chemically taste I was pretty sure this was ranch's evil robot twin. It tasted more like an industrial byproduct than a delicious mix of sour cream and herbs, like it was extruded from the ranch-sands of Canada.
I was able to drink the least of this one and I even felt guilty pouring this one down the drain for fear it would end up in the river and a fish would take a sip and instantly vomit.

buffalo-and-ranch.jpg
Bonus: Buffalo Wing (soda) dipped in Ranch Dressing (soda)
Since these flavors are frequently combined, I thought I'd try it.
Result: NOT BETTER

I know this isn't a fair look at the products of Rocket Fizz—literally everything else in the entire store is probably a better idea—but I thought I'd take the bullet for everybody. I tried these four so you don't have to. Enjoy something (anything) else at this delightful new store.

Comments (8)

Showing 1-8 of 8

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-8 of 8

Comments are closed.

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy