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Tuesday, June 11, 2013

SL Letters of the Day: Cuckolding—Good, Bad, Good, Great

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Jun 11, 2013 at 10:29 AM

Last week we heard from EFFED, a woman who was unhappy about her husband's cuckold fantasies, which she didn't want to fulfill (or hear about anymore). We also heard from AC, a man whose wife also wasn't thrilled by his fantasies but who was willing to indulge him through dirty talk. Today we hear from four women with some experience with cuckolds and cuckolding...

My guy—we are long-time partners—is VERY into cuckolding fantasies and he was the original fantasy spinner but now I spin them too. It is wonderful. I never thought of myself as beautiful (I'm the librarian-spinster type) but he gets so turned on that I wind up feeling so desired that I get very turned on, and we both enjoy the hell out of it. Totally hot.

It helps (and this may help your readers) that when we started this was more of a "role play" thing around one of his high school teachers. (He was young, she was apparently quite beautiful, but the librarian-spinster type—see how this goes?) He called me by her name ("Miss Lily"), and since he's from the South, we even did accents. It was all clearly fantasy and that made it easier for me to try it on. It was a game; the fantasy element was so prominent, and so emotionally distancing, that I felt perfectly safe. And he was so grateful and loving that... well, it soon became clear where my own happiness lay.

I don't think we'd ever try it on in real life. Our careers—law and medicine—make that too risky, BUT it is waywayway awesome, ATKS, and we have the best sex life I can imagine: fun, hot, loving, intimate. Miss Lily seems to have disappeared but in our fantasy world I've had sex with an entire football team, yard crews, and fishing clubs. My man adores me and can't show his gratitude enough and I get great sex, and lots of it. Just sign me...

Happy Old Teacher

P.S. BTW, Dan, your column was a big help in my coming to embrace this. Thank you so much!!!

Three more after the jump...

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I held out three years before giving in to the cuckolding fantasies of my partner. Over the next two years I lost my relationship, my home, and sense of self. It took me the better part of a year to get my head where in should have been all along. I wanted to write to EFFED because I felt I should share this with her. It works for some, God love 'em, but it just wasn't for me personally. Good luck with your decision making, EFFED, and just remember: If you are not comfortable with it, DON'T DO IT!—Old and Wiser

I suspect you will likely have had your fill of the topic by now, but I thought I would share my experience anyway: My husband is a cuckold—he craves everything about it. And like everything else in life, our experience is very different from everyone else's. Even his reasons for needing it are different than most.
I have to admit right up front that even he doesn't fully understand why he needs it. (Although there are some patently obvious childhood issues, Dan, as well as classic daily life stuff: he has a job where he controls a lot of people and has high stress.) Even if he did know what this was about exactly I don't think he would be able to share that with me—it would ruin the mystery or something. But what I do know is that he has a deep need to be humiliated and emasculated. It's his biggest turn-on. I really don't think his cuckolding has much to do with me at all, it's much more about him.

We have been married for eight years, together for four before that, and in that time I have been with six or seven other men and one woman. Sometimes I play alone and sometimes he is there. He likes different games—either the man needs to think I am cheating on him, or he has to service us while I cheat on him and he is treated appropriately, as a pathetic cuckold should be. Sucking the man's cock to get it hard for me and helping to insert it inside me are particular humiliation favorites of his. (We are both open to sexual experiences on both sides of the fence. Categorize us how you will.)

I sometimes enjoy the game, sometimes not. When I don't, I just don't play. (Plus there are safety concerns for me, which often put the brakes on in my mind—this isn't the 60s, I don't want to catch anything and people are freaks.) But I love him and want him to be happy, so I talk dirty to him and tell him all the things I will do with another man while he fucks me so he can enjoy it even more. The sluttier I am the better—both with him and with other men. The more I degrade him, the better. The bigger slut I am, the more it turns him on and emasculates him at the same time. Weird, fun and so messed up—but so what?

There have been miscommunications. We have learned to discuss things in detail, but it still doesn't always turn out the way one of us thought it would and can create friction. But we work it out. There have been missed opportunities when we could have had a truly hot night but his false assumptions or my unspoken wishes have screwed that up. So we discuss it when things cool down and work toward a better experience next time.

We also have vanilla sex, we indulge my kinky stuff (whole different ball of wax), and enjoy lots of other stuff. In general we give each other what we want and try to be as GGG as possible. But sometimes I wish the cuckolding thing was not a part of our lives—it can get tedious. It can also be fun. I have had the opportunity to be really slutty after marriage not just his permission, but pretty much at his insistence. That can be interesting and liberating. I was not exactly a nun before we met, so turning that off was not something I found a simple task. This provides an outlet for both of us.

Anyway, Dan, there's a perspective from a cuckold-participating wife's point of view. If you are the least bit interested.—Slutty Wife

You pretty summed up my experience with cuckolding in your response to EFFED, Dan. My husband wanted to try it, I didn't want to sleep with anyone else. We compromised on dirty talk—years of dirty talk—and then one day I decided I wanted to try it after all. (I decided I wanted to try it the same day my personal trainer made a pass at me. How's that for a suburban cliché!) I asked my husband for his okay and got it. It freaked my personal trainer out when I told him my husband knew what I was doing. But he had heard of cuckolding—probably from reading of your column—and we had a wonderful six-month affair. And now I regret waiting so long to jump in. My husband honestly isn't interested in sleeping with anyone besides me (my initial fear) and every once in while I get to sleep with someone else. It livens things up at home, that's for sure.

One piece of advice for other women out there with cuckold fetishist husbands: My husband was so excited after I did it that first time that he was really pressuring me to do it again. My husband was more upset when my personal trainer moved on than I was. (New girlfriend for him, no more "private core training" for me!) My cuckold hubby started pestering me to find someone else after my affair with the personal trainer ended. That was a huge turnoff. I told him that I wouldn't do it again at all if he continued to bother me about it. Worked like a charm. We still do dirty talk about me cheating, but no more pressure to actually cheat. Cheating on him when I want to? That I can do. Cheating on him to get him off my back? Big turnoff.—Lady Be Bad

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