My wife of 10 years and I have a great relationship. We make each other laugh, love to go out together when work/parenting schedules allow and have a fun sex life which includes experimentation and fantasy. While we've talked in the past about swinging and threesomes, one of the fantasy subjects recently coming up, at my choosing, has been her being with another man alone. I've been encouraging her to tell me if she ever gets attention from another man and we've talked about when things have turned her on in the past. I've always been careful to let her know that she can feel comfortable telling me these things and not throw them up in her face afterwards.

A few weeks back while fooling around she told me that shortly after we were married, and prior to my bringing up her alone with another man, that she had grabbed her trainer's dick once for a split second and pretended it was an accident. She said he was very flirtatious and "hands-on" while showing which muscle groups were being worked and she just got hot and grabbed him. I was turned on and, surprisingly, not that bothered by it.

This past weekend during sex I told her that had really turned me on. She then haltingly revealed to me that she had not only grabbed him that time, but jerked him off over his shorts for five minutes or so until he came. While I was incredibly turned on while this was going on, I felt sick afterwards. I haven't said anything to her about it since that night but I feel betrayed and cheated on, and that she stepped way over the line. I love this woman and trusted her deeply, but this has really shaken me.

How Do I Make Sense Of This?

My response after the jump...

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You can be sick about this (hopefully) isolated handjob, HDIMSOT, or you can backdate your okay to mess around with another man to cover this handjob. Choose the former and you may wreck your marriage, choose the latter—even if you have to will yourself to choose it, even if you have to fake it until you feel it—and you may save your marriage.

I'd pick the latter if I were you.

Seeing as you drew you wife out on the topic of messing around with another man, and seeing as you gave her nothing but positive feedback before, during, and after the revelation that she had previously—just that one time—kindasorta messed around with another man, your wife is likely feel violated if you turn around now and tell her that you're upset that handjob. Because if your wife is a halfway decent person, HDIMSOT, she probably spent the last decade feeling guilty about that impulsive handjob. Then you started fantasizing about her messing around with another man and suddenly she safe disclosing that long-ago-and-oh-so-far-away handjob. And hearing about it got you off! If you turn around now and tell her that the revelation made you feel sick—but only after you blew your load—she's going to feel like you tricked her into revealing something she had successfully stuffed down the memory hole a decade ago.

Grant her retroactive permission, HDIMSOT, but open up to her about your complicated, post-orgasmic feelings about that one handjob. They may be a sign that her actually messing around with another man is a bad idea. Fine as a fantasy, not something you can handle in real life. And if she has messed around with another man already—or if things went even farther with her personal trainer than she's let on—she needs to know to leave those experiences in the memory hole.