Our Dan Fogelberg-Free Rundown of the Best New Year's Eves in Town!
In greedy douchebag news, a Christian school in Nebraska is not only expelling a student for being in a lesbian relationship mere months away from her graduation, but is now also charging her the $6,000 tuition that was due the semester she was expelled. Before being slapped with a bill, Grace University made Danielle Powell see Christian mentors, engage with spiritual advisers, and promise not to engage in sex. Powell was not aware that the people running her school were virgin Dungeons and Dragon masters that still lived with their mothers and needed more money to buy lube and light sabers.
Porn star “Stoya Fleshlight” talked to Huff Post this week about how she’s “ruined porn for her dad.” Now when he goes online to whack off to porn, it’s nearly inevitable that he’ll run into some pop-up ad of a sex toy modeled after his daughter’s vagina. This, apparently, also applies the other way around; any time Stoya is acting in a porn scene, she is vividly reminded of the months of neglect her father used to bestow upon her.
The house judiciary committee has advanced a bill this week that would outlaw abortion after 20 weeks of pregnancy. When one Democrat asked how the policy would apply with instances of rape, GOP Arizona representative Trent Franks said occurrences of pregnancy from rape were “actually very low.” “I’ll show you ‘low,’” said millions of American women, readying their fists.
Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” has quickly become the number one song in the country, and its music video has been sparking all kinds of controversy. The video consists of Robin Thicke’s beady little eyes staring at us, wearing a full suit (alongside T.I. and Pharrell) while models prance around appearing nude, like a bunch of anorexic babies. Meanwhile, balloons float through the music video at one point, saying, “Robin Thicke has a big dick.” “Oy vey, he wishes,” sighed Robin Thicke’s mother.
George Boak, a spiritual healer in the UK, has been charged with sexually abusing two women, with a third accusing him of the same charge during his trial. George Boak was known to heal physical pain, but in the instances of sexual abuse, he asked the women to take off their clothes, and touched them inappropriately. When one victim asked what he was doing, he reportedly responded, “sorry, I got carried away.” Incidentally, Boak has also “gotten carried away” with his hand, his Starbucks barista, his grade 8 math teacher, and one particularly uncomfortable instance with his single-speed Schwinn bicycle.
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