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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Paranoid People Are the Only True Optimists

Posted by Alex Falcone on Wed, Jun 26, 2013 at 10:59 AM

HARDER THAN LANDING ON THE REAL MOON.
  • HARDER THAN LANDING ON THE REAL MOON.
It's weird, but the only people who seem completely immune to cynicism are paranoid people. They're incredibly optimistic about technology, politics, medicine, and the power of people to accomplish things.

Gun sales are still breaking records and causing shortages across the country. People are stockpiling because they're worried the president will make guns illegal. Isn't that amazing pie-in-the-sky optimism about the power of the president to pass laws in the modern congressional climate? Congress couldn't pass background check measures supported by everybody in the country right after a series of brutal gun massacres. In fact, he hasn't been able to get much of anything through congress. But paranoid people have this undying faith in the power of congress that is adorable.

Conspiracy theorists are the most doughy-eyed optimists in the world. 9-11 wasn't an inside job. You think there's a branch of the government that could put together something that complicated AND keep it a secret? Politicians can't keep their blowjobs secret. 9-11 was about institutional incompetence, not evil genius-level control across a billion variables.

Only idealists could think acai berries and cider vinegar could cure cancer. If that was true, Pfizer would have patented apples ages ago. That's the real world.

Wouldn't it be cool if we HAD faked the moon landing? That would be amazing. But it turns out playing golf on the moon is WAY easier than covering up governmental failure. One low-level IRS employee inconvenienced some fake charities and it makes headlines for a month. And you think EVERYBODY involved in a 1969 cover-up kept it quiet for 40 years? Now that would be really impressive.

People who complain about media bias are just showing their naivety. Have you watched the news recently? It's not biased towards one political party, it's biased towards celebrity gossip, slide shows of puppies, and the silliest prurient scandals the world can cough up. It would be neat if we lived in a world where people in the news business followed their principles instead of chasing easy money by constantly dumbing down reporting, but we don't.

I really wish we lived in the world that paranoid people thought we lived in. I'd rather have a government that was capable of doing evil things than one capable of absolutely nothing because then we could change it. Instead, we have to accept that no amount of violence can motivate senators better than fear of the NRA's wrath. We have to accept terrible things about the world like terrorists, untreatable cancers, and Wall Street-motivated Media Elite.

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