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Friday, June 28, 2013

Restaurant Death Watch

Posted by Alex Falcone on Fri, Jun 28, 2013 at 9:59 AM

Would anybody like to hire me to predict whether your restaurant will survive or not? I'm really good. I've got a creepy sixth sense recently where I can tell almost instantly how long a new establishment will stay in business.

I'm seven-for-seven with restaurants I predicted wouldn't survive the year and it's only June. There was a new breakfast place that I went to a couple days after it opened and I knew just from the banner (actually, it was really just the font on the banner) it wouldn't make it six weeks. It closed in four-and-a-half. I'm really good.

I don't want restaurants to close, but I think people should know that their idea is a bad one. Here's my proposal: You open a restaurant, you pay me to get eat there once. Then, I tell you if you should stick it out or just give up now and burn it down for the insurance money. If it's on the fence, I can tell you that and you can start using it as drug front or something to push it over the top. Think of it like Kitchen Nightmares except I won't help you or fix anything or get you any free publicity.

I am willing to do this for cheap ($100 + the food [preferably including french fries]) because of how much I hate to see restaurants close.

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