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Tuesday, July 2, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: Dom Dom

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Jul 2, 2013 at 10:29 AM

I am a 26-year-old bi male and most of my life I have been a loner. I've only had two girlfriends and my feelings toward them waned quickly and both relationships ended in less then 3 months. After six years without a single romantic relationship I met a guy on Omegle who right off the bat I had chemistry with. We were both very kinky, I was dominant and he was submissive. After three months I was in love with him and my mood depended entirely on how good a conclusion our last conversation had.

Just for context our relationship is entirely online and he is only 17. This had caused a great deal of paranoia for me. In order to be respectful toward him and to show i'm not just a dirty old man who's only interested in his cock, I have turned down every nude picture he has offered. It not even a big priority for me to see him naked anyway. The emotional connection is ten times more important. The sexual activities we have engaged in have only gone as far as him taking orders from me through text about kinky and sometimes painful masturbation techniques. The only pictures I have are of his toys and him dressed normally.

Anyway, now I will get to the issue.

A few nights ago, we were having one of our sessions where he masturbates and the main activity was sounding. Suddenly he says he has to stop and when I asked why he said "my mum is up." I tried to contact him the next morning to ask if everything was okay. My thoughts ranged from maybe his mum caught him in a very compromising position to maybe I had got a bit carried away and caused him to injure his dick or something. But he didn't respond. (This was on Facebook so I could tell that he had read my message.) So I tried again several hours later. No response. Now I was getting really worried, that maybe he was breaking up with me, in a very cruel way, by just ignoring me. He would also long on and then off Skype without responding to me there. So I sent him this message in a bit of anger: "Okay Message received, you are dumping me. If you wanted to dump me you should have just told me and not done this ignoring me bullshit."
He finally responded: "If you couldn't tell, I pretty obviously got in trouble last night, and I'm trying to dissaccoiate myself from you in order to keep you out of trouble. But if yer gonna be a dick about it then fine."
I apologized for my possessive behaviour and thanked him for protecting me and asked if we could have a talk about how we should continue this relationship or if he even wants to. Now after a day of waiting for a reply and knowing he is online, he hasn't replied.

This is what I sent then, hoping it was delicate enough: "I had to write that apology in a hurry. I just wanted to add, that I don't want to break up with you and I really hope you aren't in too much trouble. That's the last thing I wanted to happen. It did cross my mind that your mum might have caught you, but it wasn't obvious that was the case, all you said was that you mum was up, not that she caught you. I would like to discuss what will happen now, I think the best place for us to talk is on private messages on YouTube."

I'm suspecting more and more that he is never going to talk to me again. I plan to wait until tomorrow to contact him again, so as not to appear too obsessive. Here's the note I plan to send him: "Okay this is the last time i'm going to contact you if that's what you want, I promise. All I'm asking for is some closure. If you want to end this relationship, then just tell me and I'll never bother you again. If you just want some time to yourself, just tell me how long and I will leave you alone until then."

Do you have any suggestions about how I can get him to talk to me? Should I just assume it is over and move on?

Heartbroken Bi Dom

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

It's over. Move the fuck on. Leave him alone.

First and for the record: that dude is a minor, HBD, and what you're doing is illegal. Knock it the fucking fuck off.

And second, HBD, that dude is a minor whose mother caught him sounding himself—sticking a metal rod or something up or down his urethra—on the orders of a twentysomething "dom" he met on an Internet site that helps people to "talk to strangers!" (If, indeed, he was following your orders and not just pretending to sound himself to get you off.) If it went down the way the 17 year old implies it did (he was actually sounding himself (!)), I would put the odds that his mother is monitoring his Internet usage 24/7 at roughly 100,000%, HBD. The police may not have shown up at your door yet but the chances of that happening increase each and every time you contact him. For all you know the message you got back from him was written either by his mother or with his mother hovering over his shoulder.

And there's nothing ambiguous about "I'm trying to dissaccoiate myself from you in order to keep you out of trouble." Once again: it's over. The 17 year old ended it. It's possible that he ended it under duress and that he wants nothing more than to learn more painful masturbation techniques from you in the future. But if he wants to resume things, HBD, he has your contact info and he'll be in touch. Don't send him—or his mother—any more messages. He doesn't owe you closure or one last chat or a sounding for old time's sake. He's asked you to back the fuck off, HBD, so back the fuck off already.

And for the millionth time...

Two people sitting at their computers on opposite sides of town—or opposite sides of the planet—can forge a pretty intense connection. But you can't be in love with someone you've never met. You can't be in a relationship with someone you've never met. (Rent Catfish sometime.) You shared an elaborate online fantasy with someone—a pretty risky fantasy, considering that someone's age. I hope you've learned your lesson and that you refrain from messing around with minors in the future.

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