GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I'm not bein' too dramatic, that's the way I gotta have it. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Naughty, naughty Apple! A judge rules that Apple colluded with five big publishers to drive up the prices for e-books. A trial to decide damages is on the way, but I guess we all know that for Apple, it'll be about the same money they spend on gum every week.

Accused Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev steps into the courtroom for arraignment today, with prosecutors likely to go for the death penalty.

Police in Florida are already devising a game plan for when the verdict is released in the George Zimmerman trial—correctly fearing that no matter what the decision is, a lot of people will be very unhappy.

Ex-NFL star Aaron Hernandez is the one who fired the shots killing Odin Lloyd, according to alleged conversations between two men who were with Hernandez at the time.

The Muslim holy month of Ramadan begins, and the Egyptian military is now in the uncomfortable position of being the assholes following the deadly clashes earlier this week—and are desperately trying to promote themselves as a stabilizing force in Egypt. Good luck with that.

Wikileaks is hinting that Edward Snowden is ready to accept a country's offer of asylum—but no one's saying anything for sure. (However, in this story a former CIA analyst plots a flight path for Snowden that would avoid all the countries pissed at him, and it's hilariously convoluted.)

Dumb-butt Florida legislature cracks down on gambling in internet cafes, and inadvertently makes all computers and smartphones illegal. HAW-HAW-HAWWWWWW!

In less hilarious hillbilly news, the GOP-heavy Texas House of Reps passes their sweeping abortion restrictions, which Planned Parenthood says will force all but six of the states clinics to close.

In a shocking turn of events that will rock you to your very core, shrieking harpy Elisabeth Hasselbeck is leaving The View to take a job with the Fox News program Fox & Friends. HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED??? And even more importantly, HOW WILL SHE EVER FIT IN???

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Things are getting generally cooler and cloudier through the weekend, with temps today dipping to 80 and the mid-70s after that.

And finally, now I love pranks... BUT. The guy who devised this The Ring-style wake-up trick needs to be dropped in the middle of the ocean somewhere, because he is a DICK.