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Thursday, July 11, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: His Anglican Organ

Posted by Dan Savage on Thu, Jul 11, 2013 at 2:44 PM

My boyfriend is an amazing organist who just spent a week at a conference for Anglican musicians. Needless to say, almost everyone there was gay. The night before he left he told me, almost as an afterthought, that he was sharing his hotel room with another guy. I asked him if this other guy was gay, and he said no. I was a little suspicious that he did not tell me about it earlier, but I let it go. The day he was flying back, he called me from the airport and said he went with about twenty other people to a gay bar the previous night. I was pretty pissed because he told me before that he hated gay bars and would not go to one. I personally do not think guys should go to gay bars without their boyfriends when they are in a relationship. He assured me nothing happened, and I decided I would trust him. A few days later, Facebook told me the guy he shared his room with is, in fact, gay. When I confronted him about it, he told me he found out the day he got there that his roommate was bi. He said he did not want to tell me because he thought I would have been mad the whole time he was gone. I told him that I trust him and want him to be honest with me, but I am starting to think that he is a liar, liar, pants on fire. I am really thinking about going through his phone or his iPad to see if he really has been telling me the truth, but I know that is a major breach of trust. What do I do?

Pants On Fire

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So your gay organist boyfriend is at this big Anglican conference where most everyone is gay and the whole gay organist gang decides to head out for a drink. Naturally most everyone at the conference wants to go to a gay bar—because most everyone at the conference is gay—and at that moment, POF, your boyfriend is supposed to say what exactly? "Sorry, big gay gang, but my gay boyfriend doesn't allow me to go to gay bars unless he is there to monitor my behavior"?

Do you realize how ridiculously manpussy-whipped that sounds?

I'm not excusing the lying, POF, but if you're going to be irrational and controlling about small and silly shit like where your boyfriend drinks and with whom he rooms at conferences—and if your boyfriend lacks the the courage to confront you or the good sense to dump you—then you can expect to be lied to.

If your boyfriend had written to me, POF, I would've advised him not to put up with your shit. But since you wrote, not him, I'm going to advise you to see your shit for what it is: controlling behavior that your apparently confrontation-averse boyfriend is responding to with evasions and lies. The solution? Be less controlling and more trusting. If your boyfriend hasn't given you cause for concern—if there's no evidence that he's ever cheated or ever wanted to cheat on you—you should be able to trust him alone in a gay bar full of Anglican organists. And if he's going to a conference where most of the other attendees are gay, you should be able to see that his choice to room with another most-likely-gay attendee to save money—Anglican organists, I'm told, aren't exactly rolling in dough—was a perfectly reasonable and responsible one.

UPDATE: What he said:

What do you do? Stop being so jealous and start being a better boyfriend, before you get dumped for being the insecure, controlling guy you are. Guys shouldn't go to gaybars without their boyfriends? Really? If that is what you personally think, I personally think you might want to see a therapist. Or grow up a bit before you sabotage a good relationship. Just saying.

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