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Tuesday, July 16, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: That Sucking Sound

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Jul 16, 2013 at 10:29 AM

I've been mostly happily married for fifteen years. I'm a straight man. I absolutely love my wife even though we have rather cliché sex problems. We used to have a great sex life before we were married and even after we got married. But after many years, children, stress with finances, and just day-to-day reality our sex life is now pretty unsatisfying—well, for me at least. While my wife was barely GGG at the beginning, now she will not go down on me ever and will seldom let me go down on her. We do have sex on average, maybe 4 to 10 times a month, but it is always plain vanilla.

I thought about cheating. I went on Craigslist to look at all the "casual encounter" ads and after months of just looking I replied to some. My only actual response admitted to being a man pretending to be a woman. Long story short, I let him blow me. I didn't touch him, hardly looked at him, just watched some straight porn on his laptop while I let him blow me. I have done this a few times with different guys now. First it was just guys pretending to be girls but now I'm looking at guys who are looking for straight married guys to blow. I am not turned on by these guys at all but I've enjoyed the enthusiastic BJs combined with straight porn. I can't tell my wife about this as it would end an otherwise good marriage.

Questions:

1. Does this make me gay, bi or neither?

2. Do I have to stop?

I know keeping this from my wife is cheating, but I have been careful to keep it pretty safe and since I really am not attracted or interested in these guys, it just serves to satisfy a "disproportionate sex drive" situation without the risk of any emotional cheating. I'm pretty sure if I found a woman interested in an affair or FWB situation it would be a much riskier emotional tightrope. One more question, I guess.

3. What should I do?

Blow Job Secrets

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1. You're clearly not gay, BJS, and I wouldn't call you bisexual either, seeing as you're concentrating on straight porn during those enthusiastic man-on-man blowjobs. What you describe sounds like a mild case of "situational homosexuality," although you're not in locked in prison or stuck on a pirate ship or sweltering in a shithole like Saudia Arabia, e.g. places where men have sex with other men "due to the prolonged absence of partners of the opposite sex." You're just another married and blowjob-deprived man with access to the Internet. But you probably don't want to describe yourself as "situationally homosexual," as that sounds pretty gay, so let's just go with "heteroflexible," okay?

2. Yes, BJS, I'm afraid you do have to stop. I would be inclined to give you a pass if you were only having sex with your wife once or twice a year—or not having sex with her at all—but you and the wife are having quite a lot of sex. If you were to contract, say, gonorrhea or syphilis from one of your male sex partners, BJS, the frequency with which you have sex with the wife means you would almost certainly pass the infection along to her before you became symptomatic and got treated. (Sorry, BJS, but unless you're using condoms during those blowjobs they're not "safe.") If telling your wife about these blowjobs now would result in the end your marriage, JBS, just imagine what telling your wife about these blowjobs after she's contracted a sexually transmitted infection as a result of these blowjobs would result in.

3. You should get your wife's permission—maybe she'd be down with outsourcing oral duties; maybe she'd like to have an adventure or two of her own—or you should knock it off.

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