This Week in the Mercury

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Monday, July 22, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Jul 22, 2013 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Look at the world through your polaroid glasses. Things'll look a whole lot better for the working classes. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, is undergoing labor AS WE SPEAK. By jove, wot's all this pregnancy din about? Off you go then, tuppence for the birds!

A new report sheds light on even more civilian casualties in Pakistan due to U.S. and NATO drone strikes.

A powerful quake and aftershocks rock China, killing 89 and wounding nearly 600.

More trouble for Cleveland, a suspected serial killer is suspected to be on the loose after authorities discover three bodies (as Pete from Twin Peaks would say) "wrapped in plastic."

A woman falls from a 14-story tall roller coaster at Six Flags Over Texas—possibly due to a faulty lap bar.

House Republicans are listening to polls that say they should continue shifting to the right on key issues, instead of thinking for themselves or listening to reason.

Detroit is facing legal difficulties in their bid to declare bankruptcy, while the city's workers are fighting it in order to save their pensions and retirement funds.

A Norwegian woman who claimed she was raped and then imprisoned for 16 months in Dubai for "having sex outside marriage" has been pardoned. EEEESH.

Man tries to land 230-lb. tuna; tuna capsizes boat and kicks man's ass.

Locally, Portland's Square Mile Cider recalls their product due to fears that pressure will build and the bottles will burst. DRUNKARDS BEWARE.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Cloudy in the morning, sunny and 80s in the afternoon—you know the drill!

And finally, the finest pool basketball trick you shall ever see. Everyone else: WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO WASTE YOUR SUMMER?


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