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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jul 31, 2013 at 9:30 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Gimme what you got for a pork chop (uh). She threw it at me like I was a short-stop (uh). LET'S GO TO PRESS.

NSA Shenanigans! The Obama administration releases formerly classified docs about the NSA's secret program to collect records of all domestic calls in the US. Meanwhile, The Guardian publishes a story about the NSA's XKeyscore program which grabs "nearly everything a user does on the internet." (Okay, it's time to bring Edward Snowden back, and send the NSA to Russia.)

A U of C student who was left unattended by the DEA in a holding cell for FIVE DAYS has received a $4.1 million settlement. (Send the DEA to Russia, too!)

More government agency fuck ups! A new report shows that misconduct among TSA agents is up a whopping 26 percent in the last three years. (Does Russia do cavity searches? If so, send these guys, too!)

Convicted military leaker Bradley Manning is acquitted of aiding the enemy, but still faces decades in prison.

The evil Koch brothers try to buy America once again with a new TV ad blasting Obamacare.

A Saudi blogger insults Islam and receives seven years in prison and 600 lashes for his trouble. SUCH NICE PEOPLE. SUCH A NICE RELIGION.

Annnnnnd this story is so terrible I can't even talk about it.

Today in fucked up Florida: Mistaking him for a car thief (or so they say), deputies shoot an unarmed man in his own driveway.

San Diego sues its own mayor in an attempt to recoup money they will surely lose in an upcoming sexual harassment case. GOOD IDEA!

Actress Eileen Brennan (best known for her role as a sergeant in Private Benjamin) has passed away.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Partly cloudy again today, but possible showers and much cooler weather tomorrow and Friday! WHAAAAAA?

And finally, maybe the President should use this kid in his pro-Obamacare commercials. A baby who cries like a baby whenever he hears the "Nationwide Insurance Jingle." CRYYYYY BABY! CRYYYYYYYYY!!!

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