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Friday, August 2, 2013

Guns, Monsters, and Lohan: It's This Week's Mercury Film Section!

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Fri, Aug 2, 2013 at 3:44 PM

THE SMURFS 2 GAH why the fuck dont you have fingernails you creeps
  • THE SMURFS 2 The only creatures worse than Smurfs: Smurfs from Portland.

Haha, just kidding. Fuck you, smurfs.

GRABBERS At last, a monster movie made for drunks Mercury readers! Ned liked it! BIG SURPRISE.

IN BED WITH ULYSSES I know what you're thinking: "Sweet, a filthy porno with that tangy load of manflesh Ulysses S. Grant!" Alas, Alison reports that this is, in fact, a super-boring documentary about James Joyce. Ugh.

THE CANYONS This film's title is the punchline to the joke that begins "So Lindsay Lohan, Bret Easton Ellis, and Paul Schrader walk into a bar...." BTW, Elinor says it's not a very good joke. Sorry, Bret Easton Ellis fan!

2 GUNS Ned thought this was okay, but the thing you need to read is Mike Ryan's amazing interview with Bill Paxton: "Bill Paxton, '2 Guns' Star, Does Not Want To Be Called 'Knuckles'." It's probably my favorite interview I've read in I don't even know how long:

You should start being credited as Wild Bill again.
[Laughs] Well, I don't know.

Why not?
What if I wanted to do something serious?

Pick a movie that would fit and be Wild Bill Paxton again.
On the Internet, on IMDB, they've got that my middle name as Archibald. I don't have a middle name! My father doesn't like middle names.

How does that happen?
Somebody put it on there! They have another thing on there that Jim Cameron's nickname for me is "Knuckles."

I'm sorry that I'm laughing.
Oh, no, it's hilarious. But he never called me "Knuckles" in my life! It's some stupid story that we were in a bar and I threatened some guy with brass knuckles. That's like a fantasy world!

Isn't it better if people think that story is true? Wild Bill Paxton with his brass knuckles is a cool story. I think that's your next movie.
I like where you're coming from. I'd like to come up with a reality show where each week a celebrity tracks down the hater that gives them shit and just rings their fucking doorbell and then there's a confrontation. (Via.)

There's more, as ever, in Film Shorts. Here are your Movie Times. Also, don't go see The Untouchables at the Laurelhurst this weekend because I might go and it'd be weird if we ran into each other.

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