GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Waterloo! I was defeated, you won the war. Waterloo! Promise to love you for ever more. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

President Obama cancels his visit with Russian president Putin because of intense butt-soreness over the Edward Snowden situation.

Al Qaeda's plans to capture a port in Yemen and kidnap/kill foreigners working there has been reportedly foiled by officials—who also interestingly add that American drones killed at least seven people some 40 miles away.

And just in case you were thinking the formerly powerful Al Qaida is now a goddamn joke, read this and think again.

Egypt's new president/army is tired of the bullshit from supporters of the former president, and cryptically note that the time for diplomacy is over.

A massive manhunt is on in Southern California for a man who kidnapped and killed a mother and possibly one of her children. The other child is currently missing.

A wrecking crew tears down the Cleveland house where Ariel Castro imprisoned those three women for nearly ten years. Hey, that's a good place for a new Walmart!

A fire breaks out in a Nairobi airport, destroying most of it—though no fatalities have been reported.

The adorable five-year-old son of singer Usher barely survives after getting stuck in a swimming pool's drain. (Only somewhat related: Someone told me the other day that a hot tub pool drain can actually suck the anus out of your body—which cannot be true, and is much less sexy than it sounds.)

Abusive dickhead Chris Brown threatens to retire from music, to which the world replies, "Don't let the door slam your ass on the way out."

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Partly cloudy and warm with temps in the mid-to-lower 80s until I tell you differently!

And finally, when MTV put the kibosh on Daft Punk visiting The Colbert Report, Stephen Colbert does them one better by staging a massive "Get Lucky" dance routine featuring Hugh Laurie, Matt Damon, Henry Kissinger, Jimmy Fallon, Jeff Bridges and a roller disco-ing Bryan Cranston. This will make your day 87 percent more better.