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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

In Fond Remembrance: The Mercury's "Butter Hogs"

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Aug 21, 2013 at 2:14 PM

In case you didn't notice, the Willamette Week has revived their former annual investigative feature "Hydro Hogs" (originally known as "Water Hogs") in which they snoop into people's water bills to discover... HEY! WHO'S HOGGIN' ALL THE WATER??

This naturally reminded me of one of our former annual investigative reports that we lovingly called "Butter Hogs" in which we snoop into people's grocery bags to discover... HEY! WHO'S HOGGIN' ALL THE BUTTER??

Here's a snippet:

SAMANTHA WRIGHT

1855 NW Lovejoy

BUTTER USED: About one stick of butter a day—that's enough to comprise... an entire stick of butter. A DAY!

ANNUAL BUTTER BILL: $350

PREFERRED DISH (TO BUTTER): Toast

"I just have toast in the mornings," Samantha Wright, a lonely widow, age 64, lamely tells us. "And I make a lot of other things. Cookies. Mac and cheese. My hobby is cooking, so I use a lot of butter."

"Oh, really?" we asked her, surprising her at 6:45 one morning, toast (glistening with butter!) in hand. "Hitler had a 'hobby,' too—IT WAS KILLING JEWS! Now, what do you say to all those people who can't eat butter because of all the butter you've eaten?"

"C'mon," she said dismissively. "There's no butter shortage." That's beside the point, Mrs. Wright! If you'd stop cramming your mouth with BUTTERED toast and making batches of BUTTERY cookies (Her weak defense? "They're for my niece's birthday."), maybe you'd realize you're one of the hoggiest of Butter Hogs! Lucky for you, your husband is too dead to read about your bitter humiliation.

And yes, that was former Commissioner Randy Leonard (and Butter Hog #1!!) on the cover! QUIT HOGGIN' ALL THE BUTTER, FORMER COMMISSIONER BUTTER HOG! Read the whole thing here.

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