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Wednesday, August 21, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: That Dick Has Sailed

Posted by Dan Savage on Wed, Aug 21, 2013 at 10:29 AM

I'm a cute, mostly straight, 20-something single and (safely) sexually active woman. This happens to me pretty often: I hook up with a guy. We start fooling around; we're both really into it. I reach down and he's full sail. Things progress—clothes come off, etc.—and, as is generally the polite order of things, the lady comes first. (This part isn't the problem.) I'm not aggressive, but I'm not shy. I tell a partner what I like and how to do it. They are always happy to oblige. The thing is, after I get off, a lot of times the guy is limp. (This is the problem.) They usually express frustration and indicate that they're very much turned on, etc., but it's just not working. Generally after a few times they will stop having this problem, and we will end up having lots of fun. So I don't think I'm doing anything "wrong" to kill the boners here. I think maybe I'm just intimidating. In fact, I've been told so.

Why does this happen and how can I reduce the awkwardness? Should I talk about it or just ignore it? And should I keep trying to make him hard? Or will that just make his dick panic worse?

Fragile Ego Males

P.S. The more a guy likes me, the more this seems to happen.

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

So...

You go to bed with a guy, he's at full sail, and then you inform him that you, the lady of the hookup, will be coming first. You instruct him in the fine art of What I Like & How You Should Do It and by the time he's done doing that—by the time he gets you off—that dick has sailed. Or his dick sails are empty. Or something.

Why does this happen? I have three theories...

Theory One: Lots of straight guys make it into their mid-twenties without ever having encountered a sexually-assertive woman, FEM. A woman who advocates for herself in the sack, a woman who knows what she likes and can ask for/insist on it, can come as shock to a sheltered/indulged/entitled boy's dicksystems. And while some deeply insecure guys—guys you wouldn't wanna waste your time and your twat on anyway—may find your assertiveness off-putting (and sail-emptying and dick-limping), even more secure guys—guys you would wanna lavish with your time and twattention on—could be thrown by their first encounter with a sexual-assertive woman.

Theory Two: Guys who throw themselves into making it happen for you—particularly if what's happening is an epic oral session—could be losing their erections because they're focusing on pleasing you and getting you off. Making it happen for a partner—particularly if you're making it happen with your mouth and it takes longer than 15 minutes—can be hard work. A guy can get wrapped up in giving someone pleasure, slip into a more service-oriented headspace, only to discover that his dick has wandered off when it's his turn.

Theory Three: If you're going home with some guy at 3 a.m. after a night of boozing and he spends the first 45 minutes eating your pussy, FEM, he may be spent by the time you get off.

Here's how you reduce the awkwardness: you acknowledge, you don't dwell, you don't treat it like a catastrophe. Then suggest taking a break—have some ice cream! get a few hours sleep!—before having another go at it. And then err on the side of the impolite order of things, i.e. he goes first next time.

P.S. The more a guy likes you, FEM, the more performance anxiety he may experience. And the more he likes you, the more invested he may be in—and the more distracted he may be by—getting you off.

P.P.S. Look on the bright side: you're helping to close the orgasm gap!

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