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Monday, September 2, 2013

Centaurs: Even More Disgusting Than Mermaids

Posted by Alex Falcone on Mon, Sep 2, 2013 at 9:17 AM

I've got some strong opinions about mermaids (they're gross, and I hate them). But actually it goes deeper than that. I think I'm a one-species-per-body purist. Centaurs, it turns out, are even more disgusting than mermaids.

If you look at the way they're connected, centaurs have an entire human torso. But they also have a full horse digestive system from the neck down. That means they eat human food, digest it, and then poop it into their horse necks like their own human centi-steeds.

And you've been to enough parades to know how horses work. Even if he's wearing a leather vest and looking suspiciously like Pierce Brosnan...

centaur3.jpg

Or is shirtless and sexy and trying to sell you soap...

centaur.jpg

don't forget he's half horse. He can't control his bowels. So he'll just be walking around your house or demigod camp randomly dropping gigantic horse poops everywhere.


I don't like satyrs either. They seem fun and sexy, but don't forget Mr. Tumnus is hiding a goat penis.

Drider, Harpy, Ketu, all of them are incredibly disturbing. The problem is these species combos aren't goldendoodles: you didn't just breed two dogs and come up with a teddy bear that can play fetch. It's more like you cut a retriever and a poodle in half and glued the parts together. If you've got to do it, at least stop at the head.

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