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Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Sep 4, 2013 at 9:31 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! So you say to yourself, boy, you're out of your brain. Do you think I'm gonna stand here all night in the rain? LET'S GO TO PRESS.

President Obama continues his push to shore up support for military action against Syria, claiming that the country crossed a "red line" when they allegedly used chemical weapons on their people.

Meanwhile Syria is like, "Hahahaha whatever... you want to fuck with us? You want World War III? Bring it the fuck ON."

Cleveland kidnapper/rapist Ariel Castro is found dead in his cell, hanging from a bedsheet—and only after one month in jail. The world responded to the news by saying, "Huh. That was quick."

Radiation levels are spiking to new highs at the crippled Fukushima nuclear plant in Japan. In response, nearby crippled nuclear plants gave it a high five.

Massachusetts is hearing a case that wants to remove the words "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance, because... DISCRIMINATION! (And also? OUR COUNTRY IS REAL AND GOD IS A FAIRY TALE!)

The Texas National Guard has refused to process benefits for same-sex couples—even though they've been ordered to do so by the Pentagon. Maybe they should just rename themselves the "Hillbilly Squirrel Rifle Brigade PEW PEW PEW!"

Meanwhile, also in Texas, a judge is ordering shamed cyclist Lance Armstrong to answer more who, what, when, where, and why questions about his doping habits. (Apparently Oprah's interview wasn't enough.)

The chairman of Oregon's House Revenue committee says the state shouldn't wait around for our state's fuck-up potheads (my words, not his) to file a pro-marijuana ballotlegislators should write their own.

The terrible Gresham bakery who refused to bake a wedding cake for lesbians is closing its shop and moving their shitty, failing business into their home. HA. HA. HA.

Not that you would ordinarily care, but this season's cast for Dancing with the Stars is a tad more interesting than most because... cancer victim Valerie Harper, Snooki, Showgirls' Elizabeth Berkley... and BILL NYE, THE SCIENCE GUY?!?

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Partly sunny and 80 today, but things are cooling off fast as the rains drop by for a visit tomorrow.

And finally, I went camping this weekend and had the exact same reaction to nature as this dog.

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I hear ya, dog. I hear ya. (Via.)

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