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Friday, September 13, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Dirk VanderHart on Fri, Sep 13, 2013 at 8:46 AM

Happy Friday the 13th, Blogtown! I'll bet this is gonna be one of those quirky days where everything's supposed to go terribly wrong, but it's actually just pleasant and relaxing. Or you'll be murdered by a man in an antiquated hockey mask. It's a coin flip.

As he tip-toes from the brink of being bombed by the US, Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has deemed it a prudent time to begin making demands. He'll give up his chemical weapons, he says, if we stop arming the rebels.

Meanwhile, elite Syrian troops are shuffling chemical munitions throughout the country in hopes international observers will lose track of them all.

And yet! There are nascent hopes for peace talks in the country's brutal civil war.

Sundry gorilla juice heads and others enjoying late summer on the Jersey Shore were rudely interrupted mid-fist-pump yesterday, when an enormous fire decimated four blocks of prime boardwalk. (Also, probably some families and nice small business owners were effected.)

Waterlogged Coloradans are having a rough go of it, as flash floods spur evacuations along the state's Front Range. "God, it just needs to stop," one man tells the Denver Post.

The perpetrators of a stomach-churning gang rape in India in December have been sentenced to death. They'll be hung from the neck until dead (if they don't win an appeal).

And here's some fresh horror state-side. A woman and three teenage boys were discovered shot to death in Tennessee.

You know that sweet federal crime you've been planning? Pretty sure I know when it should go down.

What happens to a balloon dream deferred?

Hope you've been able to indulge your sunshine-based aspirations this summer. Looks like we're just about through with all that.

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You guys remember that time Shaq disrespected Houston?

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