This Week in the Mercury

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Sep 18, 2013 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! And we will be together in any kind of weather, just like that, just like that. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Because they care so much about making jobs for Americans and getting our economy back on track, House Republicans are set to vote on measure that would strip all funds from the President's health care law and effectively shut down the government. (1980s movie cafeteria slow clap.)

A month before the mass murder, Washington Navy Ship Yard shooter Aaron Alexis called police complaining that mysterious people were following him, harassing him with a microwave, and sending vibrations at him through the wall. Give this man a top level security clearance, please!

Look at the Republican Congress, crying like the ineffectual, obstructive babies they are, after President Obama's speech following the Navy Ship Yard massacre. Widdle babies had their widdle bitty feewings hurt.

Read this for quick updates on the latest from the Navy Ship Yard shootings.

Speaking of which, you can no longer carry guns in Starbucks. (Sorry, over-caffeinated mass murderers!)

More Navy troubles! A naval officer and a NCIS agent are arrested for taking massive bribes, including fancy hotels, and—you guessed it—prostitutes.

Syria gives their good buddy Moscow "evidence" that it was rebels—NOT THE GOVERNMENT—that used sarin gas. Moscow is all like, "Why would my good friend lie?"

Two cars pulled out of an Oklahoma lake could be linked to six possible murders committed close to 40 years ago. Jeez, if you can't safely put your murder victims in a lake or a Starbucks, where CAN you put them??

Happy second anniversary, Occupy Wall Street!

Albuquerque wants to put an abortion ban on the ballot—which would make it the first municipal abortion ban in the nation. (Dudes, you're ruining all that good will you got from Breaking Bad!)

Because they're clearly intent on making their terrible situation much, much worse, the parents of Kyron Horman go on Dr. Phil. Put all these people—especially Dr. Phil—in jail.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Partly sunny today and 70, fully sunny and 80 tomorrow!

And finally, a USAF woman volunteers to get Tased—but I think the guy on her left gets the worst end of the deal.


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