GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Excuse me if I'm bold with my pushin' up. But I'm not looking for a hit and run. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Heavily armed Islamist militants (with military-grade weapons) stormed an upscale Nairobi shopping mall on Saturday, and now Kenyan forces are launching a counter-attack. So far over sixty civilians are reported dead.

Syrian president Bashar al-Assad issues a new warning, saying that some "outside governments" (not naming names) might, you know, tell terrorists to attack any chemical weapons inspectors. To... you know... make Syria look like they're the bad guy in the situation. IT'S POSSIBLE!

Satellite photos show that North Korea is probably testing rockets—luckily they're from the same company where Wile E. Coyote purchases his.

Today in GROSS: During Sunday's game, Arizona safety Rashad Johnson took his glove off... and his finger was still in it. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

The head of the EPA warns that the agency will effectively shut down unless Congress approves stopgap funding. Congress responds, "And the downside of that is.... what?"

Hillary Clinton remains coy regarding a possible run for the White House. Meanwhile, failed veep contender Sarah Palin remains stupid.

The Pope urges the church to stop obsessing over gays, abortion, divorce, and contraception. Yes, but now they have nothing left to obsess about!!

Headline: "Spokane Teens Plan to Eat Mom's Liver." Hey, that's good news! Liver has a lot of iron, and... oh. OH. OH NOOOOOOO!!

Two Thai men are arrested for possessing a protected species after pop star Rihanna poses for a "selfie" with the primate. The good news? They met Rihanna!! SQUEEEE!!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Showers and sunbreaks today! Showers and sunbreaks tomorrow! Showers and sunbreaks Wednesday! And... oh! Sunny through the rest of the week.

And finally, not much to say about last night's Emmys—but check out THE BEST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH EVER GIVEN, delivered by an adorable Merritt Weaver (Nurse Jackie).