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Monday, September 30, 2013

The FINAL Breaking Bad Chitty-Chat Club!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Sep 30, 2013 at 10:29 AM

It's been a fun ride, with lots of complicated moral decisions and poor decision making, but we've finally reached the FINAL EPISODE EVER of Breaking Bad. ARE YOU READY TO CHITTY-CHAT ABOUT IT? Because we're never-ever chitty-chatting about it again. (Until we do.) LET'S GET CHITTY-CHATTING!

Heh, heh, hehhh... theyll never find me in Portland as long as I maintain my disheveled indie-rocker disguise!
  • Courtesy AMC
  • "Heh, heh, hehhh... they'll never find me in Portland as long as I maintain my 'disheveled indie-rocker' disguise!"

So here's what I'm thinking about the final Breaking Bad episode, "Felicity." (Wait... I mean, "Felina.")

1) We pick up where we left off last episode, in which Walt sits in someone else's Volvo trying to get it started when the cops arrive. And like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, he just wants to go home. He taps his ruby red slippers three times and the cops disappear. AND the car's keys drop out of the visor. Thank you God/Great and powerful OZ!

2) After stopping at Denny's for breakfast and the old homestead to pick up the risen, Dorothy Heisenberg uses a pay phone to trick a gullible assistant into revealing his old partners Gretchen and Elliott's address. What happens next is insanely creepy as Walt calmly stalks Gretchen and Elliott into their fancy-pantsy house, and after listening to the most inane rich person conversation ever, we're practically begging him to use his Gatling gun to blow their stupid rich heads off. BUT! He doesn't. Instead, he tricks them into setting up a trust fund (using his drug money) for his kids, enlisting Badger and Skinny Pete as the "highly qualified hit-men." Au revoir, Badger and Skinny Pete!

3) Next he's off to dispatch Lydia, who is meeting with Meth Damon at her fave coffee shop—that usually supplies plenty of Stevia. HUH, THAT'S WEIRD. Anyway, Walt tries to tempt stupid Meth Damon with a scheme for cheaper meth, but Lydia shoos him away. HUH, THIS STEVIA ISN'T MAKING MY TEA SWEETER AND IS ACTUALLY GIVING ME FLU-LIKE SYMPTOMS. THAT'S WEIRD.

4) Hmmm... where to next? Oh, I know, let's visit Skyler—who's living in a really run-down apartment complex with Walt Junior and Holly. Walt gives her the coordinates for Hank's buried body, and advises her to exchange that for her freedom. (MMMMM... I don't think this is going to work, but I'll roll with it. It's the last episode, and he's been working really hard!) After Walt FINALLY admits that he cooked meth because he enjoyed it and was really awesome at it, he says silent goodbyes to Holly and Walt Junior—and then he's off to...

5) Home Depot (I assume)! He buys a bunch of stuff to make a rotating turret for his trunk-mounted Gatling gun (Crafty! He should sell that on Etsy!) and then drives over to the Skinhead Family Robinson's compound. He gets Uncle Jack to bring Jesse into the room—and do you think his intention at that point was to murder him with the rest or save him? At that point, maybe he really did think Jessie was partnering up... until he saw him looking like an utterly debased prisoner of war. Whatever, because he knocks Jesse down and POW POW POW POW POW POW POW POW off goes the Home Depot trunk Gatling gun, mowing down everyone in the compound—except for Meth Damon, who is choked to death by a furious Jesse. (And THAT'S what you get when you murder a kid on a motorcycle, Meth Damon!)

6) Walt dispatches Uncle Jack and offers the gun to Jesse to finish the job. Jesse says "Oh HELL no, say you WANT me to kill you. (And as an afterthought) Bitch." Walt agrees, and that's when Jesse notices Walt's fatal wound. Jesse drops the gun, and the pair give each other "eye hugs" before he leaves forever, laughing maniacally. (Don't laugh too hard, Jesse—you're probably going to federal prison!)

7) Dorothy Heisenberg then says his final goodbye to the scarecrow he's going to miss most of all: his beloved crystal blue meth. As police swarm the compound, Walt and Heisenberg die, taking with them the formula for the meth that started all this trouble in the first place. See ya over the rainbow, Walt!

8) OKAY, as series finales go, that was pretty on point. Not as good as The Shield, but waaaaaaay better than The Sopranos. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? Leave your opinionated comments in the comments, and join me next week as I start a new Chitty-Chat club about my next TV obsession: old episodes of That's So Raven!

Hey, if youre not using that rolling meth lab... can I have it?
  • Courtesy AMC
  • Hey, if you're not using that rolling meth lab... can I have it?

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