Steve sent me this Craigslist housing/roommate ad [update 1: he got it from Michelle... thanks, Michelle! | update 2: the ad was taken down but still exists here] to make fun of , but try as I might, I just can't. It's too awesome. Everything about it is great.
The ad starts with two simple questions, "Has Portland become a dull uninspiring place for you - since the initial airing of Portlandia? Sick and tired of the newly emerging Portland demographic? I would suggest you continue reading. . . " Oh my god you're right. I have noticed that Portland has become dull. I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it is, but it did happen right around the debut of Portlandia. At their suggestion, I continued reading, and boy was I in luck, because they're offering THE COOLEST LIVING SITUATION EVER.
The warehouse you could soon live in comes with "over 30 feet of couches." That's so many feet of couches! How many feet of couches does the normal house have? Five? Ten if you're a giant? This is 30 fucking feet of couches!
But that's not all. What if you need 30 feet of couches that are… spooky?!? Well you're in luck AGAIN because this house has "fog machines [to] enhance the bottom floor". THAT BOTTOM FLOOR IS SO FUCKING ENHANCED.
"But, Alex" you are definitely saying. "What if I want to lift up a car in my living room?" I'm glad you asked because the first floor comes with "a 5-ton capacity automatic hydraulic car lift". HOLY SHIT!!! I don't have to worry about all those cars that are on the floor inside my house because I'll be able to lift them. You know what would go good with a 5-ton hydraulic car lift? Some fog. ENHANCED CAR LIFTING HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!
Who are these rogues? These adventurers in alternative living situations? These hydraulic car lifters? Actually, they asked and answered that very question in the ad. "So what do we do during the day, other than kill it?" That's exactly the question I wanted to ask in exactly the way I wanted to ask it! Tell me! What do you do besides kill it?
"We create and showcase art, media, and fashion to the world" And that's what you do, too—so you totally need to live here (unless you're old).
"We are not looking for 35 year olds who are stuck - at dead end jobs" Take that, old people! This warehouse hates you, too. Even if you also hate Portland because it's dull, you're too old (and probably too dull) so tough shit. You would probably just fall off the hydraulic lift in the fog and break your hip trying to eat dinner by 4pm. I HATE YOU GO LIVE IN AN OLD FOLKS HOME AND LEAVE THIS WAREHOUSE TO US AWESOMES.
"Any working artists or musicians - along with deep-thinking accomplished intellectuals are encouraged to apply." (Stay out shallow-thinking, unaccomplished intellectual!). But make sure you do "not use any hard drugs" because that would totally mess up the "bar atmosphere" the house has.
What's the downside? There's got to be a downside, right? Well... I'm pretty sure you have to fuck them. Maybe I'm reading between the lines too much, but listen to this: "We have slowly been building a small community - one that shares and supports each other - in artistic endeavors, and in life, and that truly care about one another." That really makes it sound like you're expected to fuck them. And this: "You will actually be seeing quite a bit of every person that lives here." And most definitely this: "In joining this collective, you must be willing to actively participate - and surround yourselves with the others that live here." Yep, pretty sure you have to fuck them.
That's probably why they don't want any old people.
Get the best of the Mercury each week in your inbox!