This Week in the Mercury


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Play Bass? Like Nickelback? Read This.

Posted by Ned Lannamann on Wed, Oct 16, 2013 at 4:29 PM

Behold the most astonishing Craigslist you will see today. I shall copy it in full, because it may very well be a joke—it's that incredible—and if that's the case, it will probably get taken down pretty soon. (Here's the link to it.)

NICKELBACK TRIBUTE SEEKING THE RADDEST BASS PLAYER (Clackamas)

This is the actual image posted with the ad.
  • This is the actual image posted with the ad.

Chad Kroeger and Daniel Adair are looking for our Mike Kroeger to play bass in the raddest Nickelback tribute band ever! Kick lameness to the CURB and prepare to take THE STATE fucking hostage, as we take this DARK HORSE down THE LONG ROAD of awesomeness HERE AND NOW for ALL THE RIGHT REASONS. . .. . .We are gonna hit the stage SILVERSIDE UP with a tribute to Nickelback releasing their double album of greatest hits. Lets grab Portland and Seattle by the balls!!! No one admits it but the fact is everyone secretly loves Nickelback. . ...It's like Jim Gaffigan says, "how did Mcdonalds sell a billion cheeseburgers if no one ever eats there???" I say the same to all you fuckin' hipsters! How did the greatest band in the world that everyone loves to hate, sell over 50 million records if no one likes them. . .. . .I have the panache and the tones of Chad down pat. I have studied his succulent mastery of rock and can pull off all of his amazing rock moves right down to his lion mane of golden curly hair. I will grab your girlfriend by the throat and softly sing her white trash sexual innuendos in my sultry Canadian baritone, while playing lightning out of my Mesa triple rectifier of doom. My drummer has worshipped at the altar of 3 Doors Down and then followed Daniel as he metamorphosed into the hard rock equivalent of multiple female orgasms that is Nickelback. . ...We just need the best Bassist in Portland!

I have some requirements:

must not be really old (like 38 or something)
NO hipsters, if you like PBR you are out!!
No hipster mustaches, even if they look good from multiple angles
No girls at practice! leave Yoko at home, she can come flash her titties at shows!
No Gays, No offense, we love the gays....but Nickelback practices a heterosexual conservative Christian Canadian lifestyle
MUST BE AWESOME, we are and so must you be!

So if you have an amazing bass rig, look like a rockstar, and know you need to be part of something that is bigger than life itself email us

If it is a fake, well done. If it is not... sweet Jesus. I will review the shit out of this band if they ever start playing shows.

More on Hillbilly

Comments (6)

Showing 1-6 of 6

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-6 of 6

Comments are closed.

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy