GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! And though others try to satisfy you, baby, with me true love can still be found. Love can still be found. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Ousted Egyptian president Morsi calls bullshit on his trial for the incitement of murder, called the entire farce a mistrial, and proclaimed himself the true leader of Egypt. And everybody was like, "Ummm... we're not sure what to do now."

SAC Capital Advisors admit to an insider trading scheme and is slapped with a $1.2 billion penalty, which for them amounts to chocolate milk money.

Health care product makers Johnson & Johnson settle claims that they marketed three drugs that were never approved, and are forced to pay $2.2 billion, which for them amounts to a six-pack of Keystone Light.

With a magic number of 60 votes in their pocket, the Senate has a good chance of implementing a new provision to federal discrimination laws: the protection of sexual orientation and gender identity.

Seems nobody wants to buy poor Blackberry—so they're taking themselves off the market. (Sad trombooooone.)

Democratic U.S. Representative Mike Michaud of Maine announces he's running for governor... and what else... OH! He's gay! Hooray! (If he wins that would make him the first —openly—gay guv.)

Celebs are jumping into the fight to shame Russian authorities for their anti-gay propaganda laws. (Including Kristen Bell... which means you should do it, too.)

Thousands of similarly creepy Russians turned out to protest the country's immigrants who they claim are stealing the jobs they don't want to do.

The homophobic a-holes of Barilla—the makers of okay pasta that you shouldn't be eating because they are homophobic a-holes—are now saying they will plan a more "inclusive" ad campaign... which, you know, still isn't an apology, so fuck them and their a-hole pasta and sauces.

Secret leaker Edward Snowden writes a "manifesto" for a German newspaper, pointing his finger of truth at the worst spying offenders—the NSA and their British counterparts.

In music news, Justin Bieber gets pelted in the noggin with a water bottle in Brazil, and responds by walking off the stage and into a whorehouse. Busy weekend!

In sports, the Blazers win their first home game of the season agains the Spurs—read all the action courtesy of Blogtown's round-ball enthusiast, Rob Simonsen!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: RAIN. UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

And finally, Sir Patrick Stewart dressed as a lobster, sitting in a bathtub. Good day. I SAID, GOOD DAY, SIR!