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Friday, November 15, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Denis C. Theriault on Fri, Nov 15, 2013 at 9:12 AM

Nope. I mean... yep. Andy Kaufman is still dead. Because of course. The woman claiming to be his secret daughter is a New York actress who knows Kaufman's brother, who maybe knew already knew her before she made her claim, and who now says he's a victim of a hoax.

"Re-education through labor," the nice term China uses for its 56-year-old labor camp program, will be abolished at some undetermined point, Communist Party bigwigs have decreed, at the same meeting where they decided to further loosen the country's 34-year-old "one-child" population control policy.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford—who famously has "plenty to eat at home" and also smokes crack and loudly threatens murder when he's drunk—sat through a city council hearing where many of his mayoral powers were unceremoniously stripped away.

Russia's open-minded authorities have decided on a charge for the artist who fastened his scrotum to the stones of Moscow's Red Square—"hooliganism," the same "crime" that sent away punk rock protesters Pussy Riot. Which means he might end up just like Pussy Riot member Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, missing after months in custody but maybe locked inside a Siberian gulag.

Barack Obama, with his pursed-lip admission of fault and defeat over the roll-out of health care reform, has officially pissed into what was already a roiling, toxic political sea just begging to swallow the Democratic Party's congressional election hopes in 2014.

North Korea swears on its secret nukes and massive DVD library of American cinema classics that it's not sending any help over to embattled Syrian despot Bashar al-Assad.

To help along a high-wire deal over its nuclear program, and send out signals that it's a willing and reasonable negotiating partner, Iran has been throttling back on the production of potentially weapons-grade uranium.

The death toll in the wake of Typhoon Haiyan has bumped up to 3,261 and counting, and the resulting awfulness has the Philippines government putting up its hands and saying it's doing everything it can to get help to where help is needed most.

Secret Service sex shenanigans, according to whistleblowers, have been reported in 17 different countries—with few details made public aside from some loud whispers about prostitution and harassment.

A murder charge has been filed against a homeowner outside Detroit who shot and killed an African American woman outside his front door, allegedly begging for help after a suspected DUI crash with a parked car.

A museum dedicated to the news business has been steadily laying off staffers and turning to gimmicks and infotainment (hello, Ron Burgundy!) in a flailing, desperate bid to save itself. Just like the news business.

Dave from Dave's Killer Bread had a rough night in Cedar Hills—launching a police chase in which he allegedly rammed patrol cruisers and left three Washington County deputies injured.

I DUNNO. THIS MADE ME WONDER IF IT WAS LUNCHTIME YET, SINCE IT MENTIONS SEVERAL RICH AND DECADENT FOODS.

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