This Week in the Mercury


Monday, November 18, 2013

Five Things That I Don't Understand About Portland

Posted by Alex Falcone on Mon, Nov 18, 2013 at 2:14 PM

[1] Why are people so willing to wait in line for good, but not life-changing meals?
We must be reaching peak brunch. We've tolerated lines for the simplest meal of the day far too long. Some people even seem to like waiting in line! Are we all suffering from Stockholmelette Syndrome?
Apizza Scholls is amazing, but it's not a pizza place. It's a day trip. There is no food better than pizza, but there's also no pizza worth waiting more than 15 minutes for. Salt & Straw is great. Really great. But I've never thought to myself, "I'd love to eat ice cream in two hours. Let's stand around outside and see what happens."

[2] What's the deal with that vitamin store across from Powell's?
It's an awesome location to have such a boring store. It can't be a cheap lease, and yet it's never crowded. Is it a drug front? Is the margin on placebos so high they can afford to sell almost none of them and stay open?

[3] Where are the rich people hiding?
There are several stores downtown that sell $900 Prada shoes. Where is the dance club with a bunch of women dancing around a pile of Prada shoes? You can't wear heels to work out at the MAC.

[4] Are there lots of conspiracy theorists here or just one with lots of stickers?
It seems like there are batshit crazy stickers all over the place. Like way too many for a city this size. Are we too tolerant of crackpots or just too good at silk screening?

[5] I've never heard one joke about how Couch St sounds like cooch. Not one.
I've been in the comedy scene in Portland for four years and it's like everybody got together before I arrived and decided to pretend we don't have a vagina street right through the Pearl. Obviously we'd get tired of them pretty quick, but I haven't heard one "It's really slippery out on Couch St today" or "There are so many fun things going down on Couch St." It's weird. Really weird.

If you can answer any of my questions or suggest other things you don't understand, I'd love to hear 'em.

Comments (23)

Showing 1-23 of 23

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-23 of 23

Comments are closed.

All contents © Index Newspapers, LLC

115 SW Ash St. Suite 600
Portland, OR 97204

Contact Info | Privacy Policy | Production Guidelines | Terms of Use | Takedown Policy