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Monday, December 2, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Dec 2, 2013 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Hang the sign upon the door, say, "Don't disturb this groove." Just a way to say that I'm so into you. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

It's Cyber Monday. Snore.

A Bronx passenger train jumped the tracks on Sunday, killing four and injuring dozens. Investigations are underway.

On Saturday, star of the Fast & Furious, Paul Walker, died in a fiery car accident—and some are suspecting (irony alert) that drag racing was involved.

UN investigators apparently have information that implicates Syrian President Bashar al-Assad in war crimes. SHOCK.

Amazon is considering using drones to deliver your packages—BUT I THOUGHT THEY ALREADY DID HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! (Do you get it? Minimum wage workers? DRONES?? HAHAHAHAAAAAAA. Goddammit I kill myself.)

Hey, did you fly US Air out of Austin or Phoenix this weekend? Hope you didn't catch tuberculosis!

While there's more work to be done, according to the government, the troubled HealthCare.gov site is well on its way to being somewhat kinda sorta functional.

Hawaii's new same-sex marriage law went into effect at midnight, so let's say "Hoomaikai ana, lelo hoomaikai" to the happy couples! (Impressed?)

Also congrats to actress Maria Bello (who was great in The Cooler among other films) who came out of the closet in a New York Times op-ed.

In sports, Timbers coach Caleb Porter wins the MLS coach of the year award—and deserves it!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Rainy and 45 today, but get out your muffs, because we've got a very cold, sunny week ahead!

And finally, this scientist gets a very rude surprise when he cuts open the stomach of a sperm whale. MONDAYS, AMIRITE?

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