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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

SL Letter of the Day: Detail Oriented

Posted by Dan Savage on Tue, Dec 3, 2013 at 10:29 AM

I had an affair a few years ago that lasted for about seven months with a married coworker. I was also in a committed relationship of 6 years, but we were going through a bad patch, and I acted like an asshole. I have since left that job and cut off all contact with the other man. When my boyfriend proposed to me last year, I felt I had to tell him about my cheating before we said "I Do." However, I did not give him all the details of the affair—he knows we had sex at work, but I left out other parts, like the extract length of the affair, the one conference trip, etc. He forgave me, and we had an amazing wedding and are so in love. I know I would never do anything to hurt him again—I feel like a different person—I can't even understand my actions back then. Now though, I've been feeling very depressed that I wasn't completely honest and open with him. I know if I confess more now, it would hurt him deeply, mostly because of the breach of trust. I know I can be trusted now, and I don't want to lose him. Am I doing the right thing by keeping this to myself? How do I get over this shit I've caused?

Is Complete Honesty Best

My response after the jump...

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

He forgave you, he married you, he loves you. Do the loving thing and spare him the details.

If he were asking you for all the details, ICHB, you surely would've mentioned that fact in your letter. And if he did want the details, ICHB, he would've asked you for them long ago and he would still be pressing you for them now. But he didn't ask then and he's not pressing now. So it's safe to say that he doesn't want the details and considers this affair business closed. Respect his implicit wishes—and his love for you—by keeping the details to yourself. It's absolutely the right thing to do.

You won't get over the shit you caused by dredging it all up. Flush that old turd down memory hole, ICHB, and get on with your happily married life.

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