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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Dec 4, 2013 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! The common road seems just like a dream. It's a mystery to me. Fills me within when we're together, oh, baby, can't you see? LET'S GO TO PRESS.

A lawsuit has already been filed against the railroad company behind that deadly crash this weekend in the Bronx, and the train engineers union has been kicked out of the investigation, because at least one in their ranks is a big blabbermouth.

Roughly 30 whales are trapped (and four have already died) in shallow waters off Florida's Everglades Park.

President Obama is giving a speech on the economy today, with the focus being fat rich fucks keeping the rest of us down. (My words, not his.)

Today in "not helping, guys": One of Obamacare's staunchest supporters Sen. Harry Reid has granted certain staff members exemption from enrolling in the health plan. In response, Republicans rubbed their hands together gleefully, and chanted, "Ohboyohboyohboy."

Notre Dame files a lawsuit against Obamacare, saying that being forced to supply healthcare (in particular, birth control) to its faculty and students violates their religious belief that God hates women.

Speaking of which, Michigan lawmakers are considering legislation that would prohibit insurance companies from charging women extra if they elect to get an abortion. The "He-Man Women-Haters Club" (AKA insurance companies and Republicans) are against it.

Note to the people who stole a truck in Mexico: There is dangerous radioactive material in the back! (Also, a sandwich.)

Six global banks have been fined $2.3 billion for illegal shenanigans—which comes as a surprise to absolutely no one.

Celebrity chef Nigella Lawson admits in court she has used cocaine. A RESTAURANT WORKER THAT DOES DRUGS??? WELL, I NEVER!

In sports, Timbers midfielder Diego Valeri wins the 2013 MLS "Newcomer of the Year" award, while goalie Donovan Ricketts wins "Goalkeeper of the Year." I have yet to win anything... but the day is still young.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Sunny and c-c-c-cold all week (with a predicted high of 28 on Saturday)!

And finally, was your father a "dadhole"? ARE YOU A DADHOLE? To find out, see how many things you say, "Uh-huh" to in this funny video!

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