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Saturday, December 7, 2013

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Dirk VanderHart on Sat, Dec 7, 2013 at 10:10 AM

You ever take comfort, in all your meandering paranoias, that even if the government wanted to watch what you were up to via your laptop camera, the little green light would let you know something was up? Not true. They're probably watching you right now.

Nelson Mandela just passed away. What better time to examine how profoundly disappointing his decedents—both political and genetic—are for the movement he championed?

The North Korean government is an alabaster monument to humanitarianism, or so they'd have everyone believe after releasing the 85-year-old American veteran they'd been holding prisoner for more than a month.

Despite the widespread, justified grumbling that the banking industry's prolific white-collar criminals aren't ever punished, one government agency actually has a decent track record of putting finance types away—just, you know, not the really malevolent Wall Street types. If you're a bank officer in Orlando with questionable scruples, though, watch out.

But, hey, there are signs the cataclysm wrought by those obscenely rich, scot-free financial titans in New York will ease up in 2014.

Guess who's still regularly using floppy discs.

Women's rights are much-debated but tenuous in Egypt. But good news today for 14 women sentenced last month to 11 years in prison for protesting the ouster of former President Mohammed Morsi. They won't have to serve time at all.

Fine, you don't like sports. I don't either, with a few exceptions, and one of those is coming up: The venerable Michigan State Spartans football team taking on the loathed, punch-throwing, proven cheaters at The Ohio State University with the Rose Bowl on the line. It's happening later today, and now you know who to root for.

So how are we to assess much-maligned rapper Drake's recent visit to Portland? He screwed up I-5 and his fans victimized a disabled Washington man. But he also, upon seeing the many destitute Portlanders sleeping in Old Town doorways, quietly donated a "substantial" amount to the Union Gospel Mission. For the record, I'm not mad about Drake.

Ugh. A young newlywed couple in Pennsylvania murdered a complete stranger just for thrills.

A Denver-area baker is told he must bake for gay couples, too. I agree with that sentiment, but I've also learned—and learned well—through the years that forced cakes are not delicious cakes.

Hijacking radioactive material: Almost universally a bad idea (the lone exception being if you are building a time machine).

Cold. Truly cold.

Screen_shot_2013-12-07_at_10.03.39_AM.png

Almost this cold (arguably NSFW, though a vital and useful message).


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