This Week in the Mercury


Monday, December 9, 2013

Hobbit Nerds: The New Worst Nerds

Posted by Erik Henriksen on Mon, Dec 9, 2013 at 12:29 PM

Early reviews are... mixed for The Hobbit: Episode XIV—The Desolation of Smaug. I've heard some people saying it's a lot better than the crummy first film; I've heard others say it's even worse; everyone seems to agree that for better or worse, that one wizard whose beard is slathered in birdshit is most definitely back, joyously riding his sled pulled by CG rabbits all around a CG Middle-earth.

As an embarrassingly big Lord of the Rings nerd, I'd like nothing more than for this Hobbit to not suck; as someone with a functional brain who sat through the first film—twice, in fact, which now makes me question my use of "functional" earlier in this sentence—it's fair to say my expectations are... tempered.

That's not the case with the latest dweeb breed, though: They're the rabidly defensive fans of Peter Jackson's Hobbit movies, and now that reviews are coming out for The Desolation of Smaug, they are on the warpath, streaming into comments sections like the mighty Uruk-hai from Isengard to defend not just the first Hobbit movie, but also the second one (which they haven't even seen yet). Via FilmDrunk comes a rundown of the incensed comments in response to Rodrigo Perez's review at the Playlist. The complaints range from the pedantic ("You called the dwarves 'hobbits' in this review", "The ‘gemstone’ you mention is the Arkenstone, the symbol of Erebor’s kings, therefore a logical item of Thorin’s desire") to what might be the best... man. I love this comment.

This is one of the most unprofessionally written movie reviews I have ever seen. Are you even aware of the socio-political undertones of this film, between Thranduil, the elvin king, the Master of Laketown, and the miniature rebellions of Bard and Tauriel? Any and all aspects of broader commentaries brought by Peter Jackson to this film are completely lost on you. You claim there is no weight to the film but that is only because you have not the eyes to see it. Readers should not take any of your words seriously and move on.

You have proved yourself a fool.

The Hobbit: Another One comes out on Friday; we'll have our review up later this week. Now seems as good of a time as any to remind you of the world's greatest Chrome extension, Shut Up.

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