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Monday, December 9, 2013

SLLOTD: Judgment Day

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Dec 9, 2013 at 10:29 AM

Originally published April 15, 2010:

I am a mostly straight, 22-year-old woman. I am a pretty GGG kind of gal. So I just started seeing this guy. I haven't known him for long—no serious sexual activity yet. The other night, a few drinks in, we ventured into talking about sex and porn. When I asked what type of porn he watches, he said that he likes videos of "dirty whores, rape scenarios, and gang bangs." Now mind you, I like being treated like a dirty whore. And I love porn. But for some reason, this put me off. I ended up heading home early, and I am apprehensive about seeing him again.

Was my reaction legit? I've indulged other partners in bondage, BDSM, power games, and so on (which I am very much into). So why am I judging this nice, good-looking guy as a creep?

Turned Off And Displeased

My response after jump...

First, TOAD, I want to praise you for trusting your gut and getting out of there. Everyone should follow your example: When someone is making you uncomfortable, folks, emulate TOAD—make your excuses and bolt. On to your question...

You've liked being treated like a dirty whore and you've done BDSM with other guys, so why are you judging this particular guy?

Someone who's turned on by extreme power games—hardcore BDSM, degradation, verbal abuse, role-play scenarios, sexist stereotypes—has to demonstrate that he (or she) is not just extremely trustworthy, TOAD, but extremely sensible. And when this guy shared his interest in some pretty extreme kinks so early in the relationship ("haven't known him for long"), your gut rightly told you that this "nice, good-looking guy" wasn't someone with whom you would feel safe.

You simply didn't know him well enough to say to yourself, "Hey, that's some hardcore shit there—but he's proved himself to be a good person and I would feel safe doing this stuff with him." And not only didn't you know him well enough to come to that conclusion, he should've known that you didn't know him well enough to come to that conclusion.

By sharing his kinks too soon, TOAD, this seemingly nice guy demonstrated poor judgment and worse impulse control. And rock-solid judgment and gold-plated impulse control are the first and second things we should look for in someone whose sexual interests are way the fuck out there.

I don't think he should've lied, TOAD, but he should've had the common sense to kick the conversation down the road or downplay without misrepresenting, i.e., instead of saying, "I'm into dirty whores, rape scenarios, and gang bangs," he could have said, "I'm into experienced business women, some intense role-play scenarios, and I'm intrigued by group sex scenes with significant gender imbalances." Then, after he had proved himself to be a decent, trustworthy guy with rock-solid judgment and gold-plated impulse control, he could've given you a clearer picture of his kinks without creeping you out.

I'm not saying that he's a creep or an abuser—or that he's not. Maybe he's just young and inexperienced and hasn't learned how to talk about his creepy kinks without creeping people out, TOAD, or maybe the booze caused him to blurt out something he usually rolls out with more finesse. It's up to you whether you give him a second chance—but make the next date a dry one, and if he creeps you out, trust that gut of yours, make your excuses, and bolt.

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