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Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Jan 8, 2014 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Candy on the beach, there's nothing better, but I like candy when it's wrapped in a sweater. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is in the soup, after denying he had nothing to do with closing two lanes of the George Washington Bridge in a weird act of retribution against a Democratic mayor who refused to endorse him. Emails from his staff suggest otherwise.

Republicans have decided to make a new issue their top priority: poverty. (Excuse me for a moment.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!)

Warmer weather in the midwest is finally on the way, with Chicago rising to a downright balmy one degree.

While former Defense Secretary Robert Gates may have crapped on President Obama in his new tell-all book, he drops a dump truck full of shit on Congress.

Elizabeth Warren does it again, as she introduces a bill (alongside a Oklahoma Republican) that would disclose more information on settlements made by criminal financial institutions.

The US is sending more troops and tanks to South Korea. Hey, I know we're all angry at Dennis Rodman—but this is overkill!

In news that will shock absolutely no one, a new study shows that teenagers who drink tend to be more popular. BECAUSE THEY KNOW HOW TO GET BOOZE DUHHHHHHHHHH!

Cover Oregon has enrolled more than 55,000 people in the state's new health insurance exchange—but has a long way to go.

An Oregon couple tips their waitress with crystal meth—aaaaand they get in trouble for that. (Hat tips to Blogtown consulting detective Graham for that nugget!)

Umm, guys? Portland is only the 20th gayest city in America (according to The Advocate). C'mon! We gotta gay it up!

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Windy and rainy in the mid to upper 40s until I say otherwise.

And finally, here's the "Puppies with Pacifiers" supercut you ordered. (I feel absolutely no emotion while watching this, because I am a monster.)

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