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Monday, January 27, 2014

SL Letter of the Day: What Do You Think?

Posted by Dan Savage on Mon, Jan 27, 2014 at 10:29 AM

I am a 42-year-old straight guy married to wonderful and beautiful woman for the past 15 years. Our sex life was never an issue. I always had more of an appetite but she was always willing and an active lover. There was nothing that we wouldn't do as a monogamous couple.

About a year ago sex pretty much stopped, we went from having intercourse 3-5 times a week to 1-2 times per week. The intercourse went from all over the house and every position to purely missionary style. We went from performing oral on one another 2-3 times a week to her hardly ever performing on me and refusing to let me go down in her. I have tried to understand what is going on by asking her questions and she even went to her doctor to find help and nothing seems to have helped. She finally told me about a month ago, "I just am not interested." She also said, "I find you sexy and attractive but I just am not interested in sex anymore." Which was quickly followed with a quick, "I don't want you to go elsewhere for sex."

I, on the other hand, feel the need to have sex 3-5 times a week. Masturbation is an option, albeit a pretty boring one, and it's NOT the same. She will have sex with me if I ask but she just lays on her back and tells me to, "Do your thing." That doesn't help either. The intimacy is not there and it just feels wrong to be fucking my wife when she's not interested and just wants it to be over. Suggestions?

Horny Husband; Non-Responsive Wife

My response after the jump...

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Everyone knows what I'm going to say to HHNRW, right?

If you've ruled out depression, a libido-killing reaction to birth control, a hormonal issue... if your spouse is simply done with sex...

Do what you need to do stay married and stay sane; tell [her] what [she] wants to hear and fuck other [women] regardless; since you're not cheating your wife out of anything she wants or desires, you're not cheating; people who go out of their way to make sure their spouses know they don't want to fuck 'em while they're fucking 'em shouldn't be surprised when their spouses find someone who does want 'em to fuck 'em (they should feel relieved!), etc. There's a whole chapter in my latest book, American Savage, that's devoted to married folks in HHNRW's predicament. The chapter is titled "It's Never Okay to Cheat (Except When It Is)," and I think HHNRW is one of exceptions. And I think this man's example—which I cite in the book—is one that HHNRW would do well to follow.

But I'm curious what you think, Blogtown, particularly those of you who believe that cheating is always wrong. What would you advise HHNRW to do?

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