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Friday, January 31, 2014

Don't Be a Dick, Mike Huckabee

Posted by Barbara Holm on Fri, Jan 31, 2014 at 11:14 AM

Former presidential candidate and zealot robot Mike Huckabee said last week that women don't need birth control because we should be able to control our own libidos. First of all, Mike Huckabee knows what a libido is? Maybe he thinks it's a mythical creature in Harry Potter or something. Oh man, these libidos are so uncontrollable, I wish I had paid more attention in my Care of Magickal Creatures class.

Mike Huckabee thinks women don't need birth control because we should be able to control our own libidos without the government's help. But mine jacked off all the way through training school. Said my libido, "You can't control me! I'm a rebel! I have a leather coat and sunglasses! I am a tiger! I wear horizontal tiger stripes after labor day! I am a shark who plays pool!" I don't know why Huckabee thinks that a sex drive is such a negative thing. Did a sex drive kill your dad, Mike Huckabee? Oh, right, your dad was a telegraph machine that became sentient over time, my apologies.

Huckabee claims that by advocating for reproductive rights, Democrats are implying women need the government to control them. (How does he know my fantasy?) He said, "If the Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for birth control, because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government, then so be it."

Reproductive rights should be considered basic human rights that we are all entitled to. When I was 18 and I first went to planned parenthood to get a birth control prescription, I remember being really scared and nervous, on top of the normal amounts of scared and nervous that I am at all times. I hope no other young girl feels slut shamed and embarrassed to ask for her reproductive rights. I hope women don't feel bad for asking for health care. And, more than anything, I hope old white men never use the phrase "Uncle Sugar" again.

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