If you are panicking about a Valentine's day card, the awesome card boyfriend got me 2 years ago can quickly be DIY: pic.twitter.com/tXPGCJciIG
— Michael Kazarnowicz (@kazarnowicz) February 14, 2014
Points for honesty—of course you could get that card from someone who is sick of you or give it to someone you are sick of. There's just no way to deceit-proof a relationship.
And here's my stock Valentine's Day advice: fuck first. It's easier to get late dinner reservations, think 9 or 10 PM, the restaurant will be less packed, the waiters and cooks less harried. And since no one feels like fucking after a "romantic" meal (rich food, wine, dessert), it's a much better idea to go get something to eat after you fuck. Remember, kids: a romantic meal doesn't put you in the mood for a good fuck but a good fuck builds up an appetite for a romantic meal.
And if getting fucked on Valentine's Day is important to you—and it seems to be important to a lot of folks out there (judging from the amount of mail I get on February 15 from people complaining about not getting fucked on February 14)—you must fuck first. I've written back to folks who emailed me on Feb 15 to ask if their relationships were doomed because they didn't fuck on Feb 14 and asked them to describe—in minute detail—how the night went down. Invariably they went out to eat first, drank and ate, and then promptly slipped into food comas once they got home. Don't make that mistake. Fuck first.
And if you're single on Valentine's Day... stay home and watch a movie.
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