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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Where Do Concert Ticket Fees Go? Alex Falcone Investigates

Posted by Alex Falcone on Thu, Feb 27, 2014 at 9:59 AM

I want to see more live music, but I just can't afford it. A $15 ticket looks reasonable on a poster, but the actual price ends up being $48.50 with fees. What do those fees go to? I decided to investigate.

Like most industries, the extra money concert venues charge goes toward doing evil. Not because the companies are evil necessarily, they raise money to perpetuate acts of evil simply because they can. For example, a standard ticket fee includes:
* 5% for insurance
* 2% for noise permits
* and 9.6% to drill for oil in baby penguins' bodies

I know this seems high, but that's exactly the problem with baby penguin oil. They real don't have much in their tiny bodies, so it's terribly inefficient.

Other fees include:
* 3.8% to throw away thousands of pounds of perfectly good produce
* 2.5% to drill wells in remote Kenyan villages
* 7.5% to fill those wells in with cement, burn the villages to the ground, and salt their fields.
* and 8% for security

Obviously ticketing companies aren't the only ones who tack on evil fees. For example, did you know that
* rental car companies collect $6/rental to pour grease on handicap ramps
* cable companies charge 3% to write wrong answers in the margins of 3rd grade math books
* airlines use a whopping 18% of ticket fees to poke holes in condom packages
* and cell phone bills include an $8 surcharge that pays for people to steal single pieces from puzzles, and not an edge OH NO, something from the middle, preferably from the sky or something.

Sadly it's almost impossible to avoid these fees. You could buy tickets from scalpers, but they're all murderers.

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