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Monday, March 3, 2014

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Mon, Mar 3, 2014 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Hear me banging down these back streets, bumpin' Blackstreet, treated like an athlete. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

After President Putin informed the world that it's his right to invade the Ukraine, a Russian fleet reportedly issues a terrifying ultimatum to Ukrainian forces in Crimia; surrender by 5 am on Tuesday, or the "real assault" begins. (That sound you hear is Putin rubbing his hands together greedily.)

So what do the citizens of Russia think about this idea? Well, according to the thousands of pro-invasion marchers on the streets, they're pretty okay with it.

President Obama continues to consider methods to keep Putin from seizing more Ukrainian territory, and unsurprisingly is getting terrible advice from Republicans—who, I think we all can assume—have ulterior motives.

British foreign secretary William Hague joins Obama and other world leaders in advising the ever encroaching Putin to back the eff off.

Besides a potential Russian invasion, there are other reasons why global leaders are nervous about the crisis in the Ukraine: primarily $$$$$$$$.

At the Oscars, 12 Years a Slave takes home "best picture" while "best actress and actor" goes to Cate Blanchett and... McCONAUGHEY! But perhaps the biggest winner of the night? SELFIES. Check out all the winners here, and if you missed Elinor Joneser's fun-time live blog, relive the hilarity here.

The Supremes give the finger to towns in Texas and Pennsylvania who are trying to revive prior laws that cracked down on illegal immigrants.

The case of South African amputee athlete Oscar Pistorius (accused of killing his model girlfriend) continues, with creepy testimony from a neighbor who heard "bloodcurdling screams" and "gunshots" on the night of the murder.

Disney cuts their financial support to the Boy Scouts of America, because they still ban gay adult leaders.

A loud-mouthed daughter blabs about her dad's anti-discrimination settlement on Facebook (saying specifically that the defendants can "SUCK IT"), aaaand loses him $80,000. Go to your room, young lady!

R.I.P. free checking at major banks—but it's still alive and well at credit unions, though!

Locally, rapper Illmaculate walks out of a performance at SE's Blue Monk after the police blocks off street access and limited entry. The Fire Marshall cited overcrowding, while the rapper thought otherwise:


Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Rain, rain, rain, until further notice, with highs in the mid-50s.

And finally, one of the Oscar highlights you'll be hearing about all day is how John Travolta BUTCHERED his introduction for best song nominee Idina Menzel. Or as he put it, "Adele Dazim!" Ehhhh... close enough.

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