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Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Good Morning, News!

Posted by Wm.™ Steven Humphrey on Wed, Mar 5, 2014 at 9:29 AM

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Now this type of shit, happens all the time. You got to get yours, but fool, I gotta get mine. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

As the West threatens to level tough sanctions against Russia for their threatened military intervention in Kiev, Russia responds with a brisk, "Fuck you, then we're going to confiscate assets from US and European companies! And in addition, NYAAAH."

Today in You Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me: Despite doing a Ukrainian reach around, Russian President Vladimir Putin is still on the list of Nobel Peace Prize nominees.

That being said, Putin backs off slightly—but only slightly—from his earlier comments, now saying while Russia is not currently planning on an invasion, they still retain the right to do so.

Unfortunately, Putin's so-called "calming" words haven't had much effect in the Ukraine where many citizens now see the Russians as their enemies for life.

Hillary Clinton compares Putin to Hitler—but she explains why, and for once, that analogy isn't too far off.

The former IRS official who previously apologized for her department using extra scrutiny on the Tea Party refuses to answer questions in a congressional hearing, pissing off Republicans to no end.

The Kentucky Attorney General says he will not appeal a judge's ruling that said the state must recognize same-sex marriages from other states. In response, Snuffy Smith shouted, "Maw! Git me mah squirrel rifle! These gays are worse than the revenooers!"

While the Pope still thinks gay marriage is an abomination, he seems to be softening on the idea of civil unions. At least some civil unions. And only under very, very specific circumstances. Progress?

A transgender teen who told police that he had been beaten and sexually assaulted in his high school bathroom, takes back his story—and things just get more sad from there.

Florida parents are arrested for allegedly abandoning their children in the woods. (Of course Twitter's "Florida Man" is married!)

Another possible unintended victim of global warming? GUACAMOLE. PANIC!!!!

In case you missed it, Portland's Independent Police Review (IPR) is planning a “review of the Portland Police Bureau’s policies and procedures that relate to its interactions with hiphop music events and venues." Yes, it has gotten that bad.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Rainy, rainy, briefly dry! Then rainy, rainy again.

And finally, at first I was like... "This is the dumbest fitness class ever." And then I was like... "WHERE DO I SIGN UP FOR THE MOST AWESOME FITNESS CLASS EVER?!?"

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